Shades of Silver

C'est Pas Grave

2009-05-14T00:10:00.006+08:00

It's half an hour past the 13th of the 5th,

Or it was when I began writing. It's been a week almost two since.

It was my birthday.

"Hello again it's you and me, kinda always like it used to be," John Francis Bonjiovi

I've lived my life so far on a tiny speck of a nation west of far east and east of the wild west. I was born and raised on the world's third largest island, in a land once of headshrinkers, then three years ago I flew over to city mud in a peninsular. Three months from now if all goes to plan, I'll be off to a kingdom to which my home once served as a colony.

Fleet flies the feet of time.

Ah... Time truly is more pliable than we conventionally prescribe it. Fluid, it easily fits the rigid molds we apply to it, minutes, days, years, millenia, our forms are easily accomodated but fail to capture, to encapsulate the sheer enormity of time's true nature. What would Kronos say? Petty tools for man's convenience, yet ubiquitous and fundamental to life as they live it. Time ebbs and flows following no mans dictation; sometimes weeks seem to stretch out and lounge in its sands, yet years may seem barely breaths apart. Seconds may vie with eternity, a whole lifetime flash by in the blink of an eye. Seems like our true relationship with time transcends the mere mapping of moments. Time willingly bends not only our current experience, but our memory of it. It's all in our head, yes, but what isn't. Aha.. more half baked musing.

I think...

I flirt with relativity.

Long ago it seems since I've left my life at home behind. Only at times it doesn't seem that distant. Vanished have many friendships along the way. Ever gone to place wherever the lost gather.

Yay, I'd vote to remember it all, so we could live our life everyday. Oh regrets I could live with day after day, and regrets my memory would help prevent me making. Until the day I see no more and mine eyes close in lasting dream.

Gnite.

Dickens

2008-11-14T04:07:00.002+08:00

I've always saw myself as an overly complex personality with overly self-righteous ideals, and an overly critical eye, with an overly insensitive soul.

But you know what?

I was wrong. I had it backwards.

I'm just a simple being in an unneccesarily convoluted existence.

I need not make peace with the world.

The world needs to make peace with me.

It was a good day.

Janus of the Gates

2008-11-13T10:35:00.010+08:00

Ah it's been another year.

More actually, but...

A year without words to say.

A year without words to feel.

Thats a long period of indifference. Sometimes, well most of the time, this walk down the road we must all travel, this journey that thrusted upon us, this life that defines everything we are yet begs meaning of us... it still renders me inexplicably, haplessly, unforgivingly stranded in the only place I've ever been. Pages flip on yet somehow I forever find fragments of myself, two chapters ahead, two chapters behind.

I've tried to ignore it, the sirens slow silent sigh, but it beckons ever so seductively, ah so hesistant, so willingly do i court melancholy.

Recent event have done nothing to renew my faith in myself. If you're wondering why i haven't had post up regularly since 05, (which you won't since this is a lazarus blog that nobody visits anymore, and therefore 'you' strictly speaking exist as nothing more than a figment of my megalomania) its just cause words are my manifest soul, and for a long time there has been nothing to say. Do 'you' get me?

Who do they see when they speak to shadows?

A being of myth and legend, a legion; a cacophony of a thousand voices in a mockery of song, or a silhouette of a friend holding out his hands; sheltering understanding within his fingers and palms?

The will to stride down this path has long forsaken me. A weak traveler who has had naught but a smooth journey, complaining of trivial aches and the dust of the road in his eyes. He has heard and seen others down this path in which all paths end, some better dressed, most equally as lost, some with broken bones and missing limbs limping along with broad smiles on their faces. At times he travels in a band, but mostly and especially then they all truly walk alone. Men and women both has he met with gaping holes in their chests, so they search and they pine for the tinman's gift at the emerald city. In some of these incompletes this burgeoning thirsts assumes a darker aspect. That which they lack, they seek to steal. Vampires they become. leeches and bloodsuckers that cut open hearts and feast, turning others incomplete, giving rise occassionally to another of their selfish number. Flocks of children in their parents clothes crowd the road, assuming looks of sneering contempt upon their peers. The noble and godtouched walk alongside on the same gravel but are transcended by their grace, of these he knows little but tales.

For long he had trudged grudgingly on, some steps coming easier and some faster but all blur together in his head as his eyes are turned downwards at his own feet, no longer did he watch the lives of others, no longer giving a care or a try to bring coherence to it. Then mindlessly he glanced up and saw the path he had walked while in a daze. He saw the steps he took, the choices he'd abstained. He saw. He saw, but he could not mend, for then he knew he was worse than the incompletes. Theirs was missing what they once had. His was yearning, but for what he has never known. But then perhaps he was only incomplete, and that is how all of them think themselves.

Emotion is a fickle thing. It appears and lingers at the worst of times, and vanishes without a scent when grasped for. It looks for home when none is to be found, then walks out the door when the nails are down.

My head, my head.

Call the Queen of Hearts for my head.

There you go... passion to make up for a year, my anata. I will never leave you, mia amore of gray and silver.

Anno Domini

2007-01-26T00:17:00.000+08:00

It's been a year.

So how've I been then?

mMmm..

Well, I did well enough in my pre-U to sneak into a law programme. Ah from the vicious introductions my lecturers have been giving there seems to be a monstrous amount of reading to be done. Thats just perfect.

Anyway...

I've moved into my new place with Jin Jack for an almost corybantic roommate. It's a nice place, I've got hot water and cold air. Good enough for Clay.

Ah..

Y'know I've seemed to have flickered somehow into a bizzarely languid state of being. I'm just.. being, just here, just cogging with the clockwork.

Anyone get me yet?

Ah.. I'm hardly getting words out.

* * *

Watch slowly at the setting,

Look see the airs a misty gold,

Quiet avalanche behind reminding,

Really should be pushing on,

No now be silent,

Don't let there be a sigh,

Just face the way you would,

And walk on through the blight,

This fog it's surrounding,

Its making all but blind,

Has it been mapped this labyrinth,

Where have gone the signs?

What do you make of it when all's the same?

All tastes of sunlight and shadows,

Of hands turning sadistic'ly,

Til they touched at throat,

Say no more,

Now go,

Go turn lead into gold,

Go speak words of wonder,

Write lines in history,

Make for the herd a field of straw,

Build for them a new bed,

Only this do I forbid,

No never lay still and idle,

There is much to do,

No now be silent,

Don't let there be a sigh,

If you find it please tell me,

The clue of all mysteries,

This missing piece of tapestry,

To fill the hollow within,

Puppets on lifes frayed strings,

Lyfe
Yew Li

***

G'nite

Drakhule

2006-03-15T01:09:00.000+08:00

She takes a sip, bestill a sigh,
Dark sweet scent waft past closed eyes,
Back arched neck and parted lips,
Windswept locks pry at hands reach,

Feel the rhythm, it quivers so,
Pulsing so heavy with urgent hope,
To fill the need; the burning oh,
Of endless lust, of ceaseless thirst,

'Hold back no more, it is now time,
For the cold I feel, I feel it come,
It comes, it comes, for I see his face,
He comes at last to steal away'

Struggle so violent, to be unseen,
Torn to being; by spirit and soul,
Death or death, life or life?
Bring to which, oh agony,

Lips come down,
Lascivious blight,
Feel the drums they gather quick,
Glisten and trickle down to soiled feet,

'Feel the gush, can you hear through the pound?
Can you see tears through only a frown?
What do you see when I let go?
No more, no more, it is all but gone'

Feel the drums they beat no more,
Look into eyes which see gods warmth,

Eternity besought, a grave quiet chill,
Distant churchbells chime and widows wail,
Mourners gather; black crows circle'ing,
As the preacher proclaims life's dreary dignity,
Litany by chorus, hymns by name,
When the wind blows, leaves rustle, the dust settles refrain,

Succubus
Yew Li

***

mMmm like everything else I've done... it needs work. ;) But I'll probably never fix it up.

Did I ever mention I like vampires?

Gnite

For Deathbybananas, Morbida

Discombobulation

2005-11-26T06:03:00.000+08:00

Somebody!!!

Send me inspiration to rise off me seat!

The slow creeping death of the procrastinate.

Awkward conversations with futility.

Is I?

Who be me?

Who am I to me; to she; to he?!?!

Eh...?

Dum de Dum de Deum... ... ... ... ... ... . . .

Poor cobwebs in my hollow head, shaken, stirred but not quite dead...

Ah... 12 months I gave to find myself?

But find who I just couldn't decide. To be me? Who once I was? To be me who I am to be?

To be me who but now but nothing?

Redundant trivialities...

Life goes on as it never ends.

I'm feeling weird tonight. Must be the lack of shut eye.

Wake. Would I please wake? Too many days just blurred together. I can't believe where I am anymore. It's all just so surreal. If a machine took me back in time... Last week I'd probably still be in high school. Or sitting for SPM or UPSR or PMR . It's all the same. I have no sense of it all. It could have happened all at the same time. Relativawhat?

I just realised something. I'm who I am now. And I'm who I ever was.... Make sense? When I was 12 I was me. When I was 3, I was me. Now I'm still me. Who I am now is only for a breath, it ain't more focal than me two years ago. All of who I was before defines me. All I am now defines me. All i choose to be defines me.

Whats the lesson in all of this boys and girls? One year of inactivity teaches you a lot about nothing. Introspection... it's overrated.

LoL if you think this post is whacked think of me! I have to deal with me everyday! Pray for me will you?

He stepped off the mountaintop,
And into the sea,
Swam like he could,
But he couldn't could he,

Ah... my head killing me... thumping headache. I was gonna stay up. Need to be somewhere this morning but, god... mmm What happens to the guy that couldn't swim? He drowns! Whoa no happy ending? Nope. Like I'd ever give one.

Gnite,

G'morning, whichever u prefer.

I think I'll scramble me some eggs before I crash. Wow this post is way off my blogs theme.

Tribute

2005-10-25T03:04:00.000+08:00

I talked a little to my brother today.

I hardly see him. Haven't seen him for a year i think. And even then he was back for only four days. Most of the time he was out. LoL. Someone used to tell me I had a busy social schedule. Well, she hasn't met my brother. He did get me a pair of VC IIIs when he was back though. They were fantastic shoes. And a ball too.

Anyway... Truth is, I guess I've almost forgotten what it was like to have a brother.

Then i think back when we were both lil kids. For the peeps who know me. Yknow that scar I have on my forehead? Yea... he gave me that. We were at the playground. With the swings and all. I was giving the family dawg a hard time. Chasing it everywhere my two feet could carry me. I kept my eyes so focused on her that I didn't see where she was going. Yea. I hit my brothers swing seat. My mums heart must've stopped for a moment. She told me how she got the peeps playing basketball to help her carry me to the car. I don't remember. I opened my eyes to a hazy view of needles, strings and the family doctor; who we never had to pay. Dr.Tang was nice enough guy i suppose, I will always have the vision of him telling me to drink more 'plang' water. It was good for me he would say. He usually spoke hokkien. Just before I'd leave he'd slip me some chewable vitamins. They were sweet so I kinda liked them. For being a good boy he'd say. Ha haa... yea a good boy. Thats me.

When my brother was a lil older probably 11 or 12 he used to bike around a lot, sometimes with his best friend eugene i think. Or at least thats how it seemed to me. As often as not he'd take me along too. I'd sit on the chassis of the bike, balancing precariously at first, but as the rides grew more frequent I got the hang of it. It was fun. He'd cycle fast and the wind would blow past our faces. I think I was happy. I fell off once. I remember him telling me to look at the reflection of my face in the car mirror, but I kept looking at the window. I kept telling him the light wasn't right and i could see how I looked. I remember sneaking back home, tiptoing past my ever vigilant mum and pretending to have a fall in the bathroom. I recall despising the fact that I was gonna be made to look like I was idiot enough to fall down while in the shower. But well, I didn't want anyone to get in trouble.

I remember the many many times he would take out the gazillion action figures we had and bring them to life for me. He had all kinds of clever plots and twisted endings. His play was always much better than mine. Ah... of course I eventually figured out that his original storylines were uncannily similiar to episodes of transformers and thundercats and what not. Still he did the best voices. And all I had to do was sit and watch. Occasionally he would bring home a new toy. Ostensibly for me, but I think he enjoyed them a bit himself. As time passed by however, his action figure drama theater slowly faded away. He didn't have time for it anymore.

Thats when it all changed.

Sure i didn't happen all at once. I even have some of the best memories from the time. That was when he introduced me to the world of final fantasy. It was the best game ever he said. Sit and we'd play. Great! He'd play and I'd watch following the web of plots as if it were some great piece of poetry. And to me it was. The soundtracks were amazing. The character fully fleshed out. All too human with their flaws and weaknesses. It was also when he also brought me into the world of contemperary fantasy. I remember the first real fantasy novel I read. It was one from the death gate cycle, by margeret weis and tracy hickman. Something like that. I hardly understood it when I read it the first time. But my brother had told me what an amazing story it was. I read it again. For one of the few times in my life I pulled out a dictionary. I learnt what the word hapless meant. Doomed I think. A few other words too. I still read almost exclusively fantasy to this day. Theres just something in those worlds that call to me. But it was my brother that put me on that path.

I remember my brother being the person who was always patient with me. if he got a lil pissed oh well he'd just whip out a wrestling move of stuff me in between the mattresses where he and sister could tickle me without the inconvenience of my arms getting in the way. Thats why it was so disturbing when it happened.

He was watching TV, when i came into my parents room. I was doing what little brothers do best, being a pest. I kept jumping around talking to him asking bout god knows what. And he just... he hit me. He hit me so that my glasses flew across the room. It wasn't hard. Not physically at least, but... he'd never ever done that before. Then he glared at me. I walked back to our room. I didnt pick up my glasses. It hurt me. That much I remember.

I can't remember if it was before that or after that incident, but i remember him waking me up and bringing me to a coffee shop nearby late one night. He ordered tomato noodles for me. I didn't really like tomato noodles but whatever, I wasn't fussy bout food. Then he took out a cigarette... He lit it. And he smoked. I don't know what it was. The unceasing propaganda from the government telling me how much smoking sucks. How my mum told me it would gibe me cancer and kill me if i ever did it. Or reverse peer pressure telling me that smoking was for sheep. BAAA... I pushed away my plate of noodles. I wasn't hungry anymore. It doesn't make sense, but right at that moment I decided I hated smoke and smokers and everything about them. Later in life I amended it to hating smoke not the smoker. Now pretty much everyone I know smokes. I don't hate any of em. Amzing how strong our principles are eyh?

So, we drifted apart. He'd still bring me action figures from time to time. Waiting to see that spark in my eyes that told him more than words how much i appreciated it. He got it at first. But I think he realised when that spark dissappeared. He'd ask if I liked what he got me over and over. I'd say sure. I love it. All I knew was smth was missing. I don't think even I knew at the time that what I really enjoyed were the moments we'd have when he'd do reruns of ripoffs from cartoon series with our figures for me. It wasn't the toys that captivated me. All the while I was growing up too.

I don't know when we stopped being close. We were brothers and always will be. But there was a brief time. A couple of years when I didn't know who he was. It's funny it was that time when he was at his most popular in his school life. I don't really know how popular he really was, he was my older brother it was practically my duty to look up to him. I remember being referred to as Isaacs brother alot. He got into lots of trouble at least to my eyes at the time. He'd get into fights. He had a string of pretty girlfriends. He had friends with full body tattoos. And some other stuff I won't be putting up here. Maybe he watched too much young and dangerous. I dont know.

The closest I ever was to him at that period of time was when I'd wake up in the middle of the night, to hear him composing sappy love songs on his acoustic guitar. Hah to think I remember the words to this day.

Then he left to study. He's never really been home since.

Like I said. I talked to my brother today.

He's my brother. I'm sure of it.

In a world where so many are different, its sanctuary to find one with so much the same; or at least one who understands.

Awh hell this whole post has been overly mushy.

Zack if your readin this. I think we're brothers. Only by blood. Maybe a lil more too.

I just realised that you make up more of me than either of us will ever know. I've always looked up to you. Why? Well because, everything you did made sense to me. The things you talked about that were important to you. They were important to me. You told me more in action than words that friends are important. You taught me that its important to try to do what I think is right rather than what the world tells me is right. You showed me poetry. You showed me dignity when you were at your lowest. Today you told me something different...

To be honest I've been flirting with those thoughts myself. These days, when I'm nice, I'm nice. When it takes effort to be, I'm not anymore. Why? Cause I'm tired of trying. Yea, it ain't worth it and I seem to @#$# things up either way. I guess we'll never figure this world out eh?

I'm all emoed and worded out.

Funny, I never knew how much of my brother stayed with me til i wrote this post.

Wow I guess blogging does have its benefits.

Gnite.

Flingamajig

2005-10-06T17:29:00.000+08:00

I hate flings.

Ah...

Do I really want to blog this?

I don't know.

I'm self-centered. I'm conceited. I'm even self-righteous at times.

But just recently... I made myself a hypocrite.

I hate flings.

But I've had three...

Did I already say I hate flings? Well I hate flings.

Wow... I'm really going through with this post eyh? I have my reasons... Besides a lil exhibitionisme never hurt anyone am i right? Ok you freaks who are readin my blog here we go. ;) I'm gonna leave out names and certain details aye?

The first one... The first one I feel the worst about... The girl really did seem to like me. Well its not like she really knew me. I didnt even know how to spell her full name; yea... I'm baaaad to the bone. But she was sweet and caring. Not to mention she made all the moves. I just kinda drifted with her. Doesn't seem like me... but, I'm not making any excuses. I was just in a really, really bad place. And of course there is the much heard off I was getting over someone else. Yea, cliche rebound girl. Yea... I feel bad. Still doesn't justify it though i know... The good news for my soul is that once I realised what I was doing... I broke up with her... It just... felt too wrong. It isn't like me to use someone just to make myself feel better. Especially when... well I guess I still had nvm... Anyway... I tried best I could to be gentle with her, but the damage was done. I sat at the mirror and looked at myself. I think I broke a mirror that day.

Ooh... 7 years of bad luck eh?

The second was much more recent. I actually thought I felt something there... for awhile. It made me forget all the meaningless black moods I had. She's still a good friend. It barely last 2 weeks. Still we both knew it wouldn't last.

The third. Ah... the third was hilarious. She knew it was a fling, I knew it was a fling. Did I mention I hate flings? But it happened anyway. She flew back home after a few weeks. Shes fun though, and I might go visit her sometime, just as friends.

My three meaningless flings.

Sometimes I'd like to bang my head over with a stoopid paddle. Y'know, itd yell insults over and over as u bashed urself in the head, insults like; homeless people laugh at you and stuff like that.

Why am I admitting all this?

Cause I want to be understood I guess. Who doesn't want validation now and then?

I used to hate players. I guess I still kinda do, but I at least can understand them a little more now. There's just something about relationships without emotional attachment thats just so.... secure... so safe...

Its what I needed I guess... I really, really don't know...

Still all the while I couldn't ferget what it was like... before.

My first and only real relationship... well it was with my confidante and my only one at that. I just didn't talk to anyone else. Not really. With her I was just so comfortable. I could say, tell her anything and it'd be okay, she'd understand; it'd be cool. She'd even laugh at my lame ass jokes and make me feel witty. I'd smile when my phone buzzed with a message from her; it was embarrasing really cause I couldn't help myself. I used to close my eyes when i called her on the phone so that I could just focus my entiriety to the nuances of the very sound of her voice. But that was the least of it. When we were together... it was magical. Every little thing she did made me happy. From the way her lips twist when she smiles, to the way she'd spin around to face me, to the way she'd laugh and the really blur look she'd get sometimes when she was caught by surprise or trying to figure something out, to the way she wouldn't let he hold her at first when she said she was sweaty and smelled when she really didn't, to the way she used to surreptiously fling popcorn at people in the movies, to the way she way afraid of ghosts in trees by the beach, to the way her hand in mine made me feel so alive, to the way she'd play the piano when she praticed while still on the phone, to the way she stayed on the line when a crazy chick called me in the middle of the night, to the way she always told me that I made her feel better everytime she came to me with something that was bothering her, to the way she'd take away my worries just by listening and understanding, to the way she fit perfectly into the crook of me arms, to the way she could make me melt just by saying three words, to the way we'd make each other repeat those words over the phone.

Yea she was special, I wish I were special.

Ah cute no? Just a lil.

Yea... It must've been love. But I guess its over now.

That was two years ago and I still don't know why she ended things the way she did. I remember sitting on a swing at a playground in the dead of the night. Just sitting... Hating every moment of everything. Then a felt an icy drop land on my cheek. It began to rain....

'Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me...' Freddie Mercury

Another gray scene.

Well. I'd never say I felt sorry about going through with it. I'm only sorry that it made her cry to see me after that. I could never figure it out. Why would it hurt her so much if she wanted to end things? I figured yknow she just wanted me to forget her.

After a bit, I decided you know what

'...So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye.
So you think you can love me and leave me to die.
Oh, baby, Can't do this to me, baby,
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

Nothing really matters, Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters to me.

Anyway the wind blows.'
From Bohemian Rhapsody,
Queen.

After all. It was me and nothing mattered to me. It'd just roll off after a bit.

II then promptly got about trying to ferget her. Thats how my first fling came about. Not that it's an excuse or anything. I guess I'm just not as strong a person as I should be. Understand I had no one to go to. She had always been the one who would take my worries away. I didn't need anyone else. Too bad for me I guess. ;)

But it was sokay, I was me and I was always okay. I

I guess I underestimated just how....

Yknow. This s'all I'm gonna say.

Wowzas this was a really personal post.

Gnite.

Rantings

2005-09-28T22:54:00.000+08:00

Never knew would come the day,

Never knew would come the day,

Hey hey...

Played ball today. Felt pretty good. Got me all pumped full of fun loving endorphins for awhile.

Damn... why do i whine so much eh? Feel like bloody Simple Plan with all their freaking im so sad songs...

Honestly I don't know which way to go anymore.

"And all the roads we have to walk are winding, and all the lights that light the way are blinding..." Oasis

I manufacture all these frickin asinine rambling to do what? To convince myself... that theres a reason for everything. Thats been my mantra forever. I used to give it out as addvice to sad eyed friends. That if u try hard enough, yknow, you'll just see everything makes sense, even if it isn't obvious at first. Thats right I use all these theories as, lame ass excuses. Why this, why that? Yknow what maybe sometimes they're isnt a reason. Maybe sometimes things just are the way they are because by miracle or accident they fell into place just the way they are. Does it matter what you do? Does it matter? Does it matter if you fuck up? Does it matter if you don't? What matters to you, matters, thats it. Screw whoever else gets in the way. Fine, feeling kind hearted one day. Act it out. Be an avataresque angelic samaritany goodie goodie gumdrop, rainbows flying in the sky kinda guy, go ahead, give the wounded world some love. Tomorrow... who knows?

Yeah these are my moods. It all just doesn't add up. I've lost all satisfaction for... well take these guys words, he was famous, for a few months when he was dying of Lou Gehrig's disease. Yeap that got him all the attention in the states. I read this one from Mitch Alboms book. I might be paraphasing a bit.

"Have you been as human as you can be today?" Morrie Schwartz

Bull.

This guys fantastic... He's got a ton of aphorism for making life worthwhile.

"Everything that gets born dies.The best way to deal with that is to live in a fully conscious, compassionate, loving way.... Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to recognize that this is the only way to live."

Perfect, echoes what I've felt and testified many times over. I've always said I dont want to wake up old toothless and itching to get to my life. Thatd be just sad.

But yknow, I've realised. I'm totally uninspired. I don't want anything in life other than enough to live, and be happy.

Happy? What is that?

I think I've had it too good. I need lifes harsher miseries to put me into candid perspective of what could be... Maybe then I'll find that talked about joy of the simpler things in life... Who knows? Maybe I'm just screwed up off hormones.

Yknow, there was a time not so long ago when cakes would make me indescribably happy. Just cakes.

The time when I would smile just because...

But its been lemme count.. one, two years since the last time that happened...

Not so far off now that I think of it, still seems like eternity to me. Gawd, I can't believe I'm pining about this #$%^^&... Maybe I won't post this... Ah.. who am i kidding? I love to share my crap.

LoL and the people who wrote comments about The Cross and all, and oh the singles advert, well I don't know if u mean well or if you were being condescending but please go away, your not helping.

Yeah... I'm feeling sorry for myself. Yeah... I have no reason to.

But yeah.

I am what I am.

Why did it leave?

I tried to find it. And in that journey I lost myself. Too many compromises. Now I'm just another sorry lil adolescent whining for the world to understand.

I wish I knew what to do.

Bow my head in prayer? Doesn't seem to work anymore. Maybe I need to figure this one out for myself.

Gnite.

Go Away.

Walking Dead

2005-09-13T11:22:00.000+08:00

I know I said I wouldn't post anymore, but here I am...

I didn't sleep last night... Maybe that’s why I'm feeling so whacked up right now. Y'know what I went and did? I dug up olde emails... What ever for y'say? Your guess is as good mine. I'm done trying to find explanations to all the mindless things I've done...

Over the past year I've done more than I've ever had to undermine my very own principles. I've always believed in doing the right thing. Well as right as we lowly men can get it... These past few... months...? Well months don’t really describe it... You've noticed how deceptive time’s passage can be right? So in one view it seems like forever... But really I guess it’s less than a year... but its been building up... Anyway... Somewhere along this windy road I've lost me faith in, and strength to do the right thing. I just... I can't be bothered anymore... Why? Hah I know why... But it’s honestly too pathetic to admit to the online public. ;) So I'll just keep my shred of dignity and that lil piece of information to meself aye?

There is a point in all this... I just can't see it anymore...

LoL... Yknow.. When I had a job.. I hardly worked, but it kept me occupied enough to feel content. Is that the secret to life? To apply yourself to... whatever so that you've felt like you've achieved something? Cause if it is its anti-fricking-climactic; not in that way, at the least and... terribly bereft of meaning.

Would be that all children play and foretell for themselves futures of destiny, that when the child becomes grown the life of the mundane gives him satisfaction. Irony be you name.

Would I be satisfied as a cog in the irresistible machinery of humankind? Would I dare shape myself differently, selfishly for my own soul and not the good of the flock? Would that be true evil?

What is more important? The development of self? Or the evolution of the whole or the race?

Individualism? Renaissance anyone?

Yknow what? For a moment I was thinking, yea well... if you improve yourself... hows that not good for the human race?

Well, that all comes back down to whats good? Improvements implies better. So right off the bat what is good? What is an improvement?

If you had one wish; one very potent but yet limited wish what would it be? Would it be for yourself? Would it be for someone else? Would you go so far as to wish for all? Would the wish be enough? What if the wish was a century in length; in which half you are hardly aware of what you can do with it?

We all have one wish... What’re you going to do with yours?

Why did I dig up old emails?

Lacks conviction? Yeah... I know...

G'Bye

Finale

2005-09-04T03:46:00.000+08:00

Ah... I don't think theres going to be anymore posts in this blog. Why? Well, theres just nothing to blog about. I live a sad sad, sad sad sad excuse for life. LoL which means I do nothing really worthwhile, at least ta me. ;) Just pretend to sometimes. I might start a new blog, but not soon, and not here. Ah even my floobies been deleted, all those precious comments by me friends. Awh well, i'm over it. Lata all.

Encore

2005-06-09T00:29:00.000+08:00

Guess who's working again!!!

Thats right...

Anyway...

Bloggings coming slower and slower to me. Used to be so full of myself yknow that i just had to blurt everything to... mMmm... Still full of myself. Just lazy now.

Anyway I'm working with, or rather for me sister again. Organising a beauty pageant this time.... Where does she get all this anyway? mMmm... Shes always did have a certain genius for oppurtunity. Hmmm... Joyce if you're reading this, that means I want a pay raise. Oh, if anyone wants to learn more about the event you could always visit www.miss-sarawak.com. Take a look aye.

Ah... Mr. Ho Ing Haw left tadae. Couldn't see him off... Sad... Friends are hard to come by.

mMmm

Yknow.... I've written so many drafts for me humble blog and trashed em... Just can't seem to find the right words. I'm probably just not trying... One thing I know about myself. Wow... I'm lazy. Always with the dreaming and somedays....

***

Would i be satisfied if I only had my daydreams for company? If I one day lived far away from

Just close your eyes and do not see,

home like the lotus eater; would i end my days like him too? If I closed my eyes and didn't

Nothing's lost when nothings to be,

have to try to be anything... If I just had no

ones expectations to live up to, not even my

Take a breath and take a sigh,

own would i be happy? If the sole path to self-approbation was to be all i could potentially

Wash dewdrops from misty eyes,

be, would i go for it? Would I lay down in self-pity and say tomorrow and tomorrow and

Let fall your shame, mislay your pride,

tomorrow? LoL... does it really matter? Mum would cry, dad would shrug and sigh. Would i

Play not life's never waning games,

care that I had done nothing with my life? Not so much say I. In this short life of mine I

And when the rhyme comes to an end,

have only one true lament, but bygones are bygones and time blows by. Would I be different

When the bellclock begins to chime,

if my world was as i want it? If i just changed one minute fact? Somehow, I think

When the stars stop shining bright

it would... I hope.

Has then sleep come?

Has stopped the blight?

***

Gnyte.

Blithe

2005-04-09T02:08:00.000+08:00

I'm happy today.

I'm alive.

Thats good enough for me.

I live because that is what I was made for.

I live because my life is who I am.

I live because I am bigger than any obstacles that come my way.

I live because I am who I am.

I am me.

I live.

Lifes great.

Angst

2005-04-05T02:44:00.000+08:00

mMmm...

I can't sleep. My eyelids simply won't shut. Did some Leo stuff tadae... Yea, I find it almost vaguely pathetic that I'm still attached to a Leo club. Its, a very high school thing. ;) But then, the more I think about... the Leo Club is an organization founded on community service. I love that notion. I've always wanted to reach out and give back, as corny as it sounds... The club provides the means to do just that, and so much more... Aye, I know most people join Leo as a social club thing, but hey whats wrong with that? Spreading the love is always good no? Ah... enough about my lil club/schtick/distraction, and back to me inamorata.

By that o'course I mean my blog. ;)

I consider myself lucky...

I have no great tragedies that scar my life. At least none by the worlds standards. I've had my tiny share of nicks and bruises, but who hasn't? I suck it up and move on. I won't bleed to death from a scraped knee.

I have never had to breathe past a loved ones final moments.

I've never had to see my home be swept away, or crumble to swirls of white dust in the face of flood or fire.

I've never known the stabs of true hunger, nor the burning to true thirst.

I have never haunted the city streets simply because I had no place to belong.

I have never been wet after the rain because I had no means to dry off.

I have never faced a world without a mother gentle hand and a fathers wide smile.

Yet, I find myself constantly courting melancholy, though I know it makes no sense.

I know this will sound moronic but, I've been thinking that maybe to be truly human; to be complete, we actually need strife. We need hardship, so that we may discover joy in simply living.

Take this quote

'Cancer is the best thing thats ever happened to me,' Lance Armstrong; six time tour-de-france champion.

Think about it...

When does food tastes its best? After a week of grande buffets, or one of faithful abstinence?

Paved roads are only a joy after one has walked through the thick of the wilderness.

I wonder, would we truly grasp heaven if we never traversed our earth?

So these days I find myself strangely welcoming lifes trials and tests. I greet them warmly so that when I conquer them I may discover bliss in the plainest of things.

What would colour be to the blind?

Or a music to the deaf?

Magic...

It would be magic.

G'nite

Recherché

2005-04-03T23:05:00.000+08:00

I've always had this picture in my head, so I've said. Now I close my eyes and I see...

Of a little boy sitting on a ledge of a door in a dreary alley. No drifters, nor single hesitant passerby. He would be captured by the lightlessness of the deeply pregnant night, but for the bare illumination of a struggling streetlight. The dim lamp throws pale his shadow before him, his meretricious and lone companion in the belly of the dark. His head is bowed, his body trembles slightly, but who is around to hear his almost silentious sobs?

I watch... Yet I do not know why he is crying. Why is he alone? Why do I keep seeing this? Why is it that I know it is no real scene, yet... it grabs me so...

Again I close my eyes.

I see... nothing...

Just the boy crying.

Just his raggard clothing and beret pulled down low.

And so goes the whole scene. The boys unceasing weeping is the sole colour, the sole taste, the sole spice.

Teardrop by crystal tear run streaks down his face yet no stain comes to his shirt or the alleys dank floor.

His sorrow is everywhere. It is felt in the cold bricks wall on either side, in the stone beneath him... Where winds meets his laments lay. it alone stirs the still night air.

...

Just...

So...

Weird...

Its 3 o'clock and alls well...

G'nite

Another day...

The same as yesterday, and yesterdays past...

My tomorrows are my yesterdays and my todays are gone.

Thyme

2005-02-20T02:11:00.000+08:00

mMmm...

Supper wasn't bad. Sweet meat, sweet.

Anyway,

I was 'working' tadae. ;) 2-5pm; now thats my kind of job. Get to learn tons too. mMmm... If only i had mad Mandarin skillz, then I'd be able to help out with all the translating stuff they've got to go through. Ah well, less work for me. Gawd I'm a total bumfest, even my jobs bumming around. Can't wait for the shoots. Even if I'm not even barely a factor in the production, its still fun to watch everything unfold.

Shadow stood by idly,
As day waved slowly by,
Sweet, sweet , melancholy,
The windows so hastily dry,

I'm can't be bothered to think right now. Just feeling really awkward. You ever feel like you dont fit in you own skin sometimes? Its like some days, things just come out all wrong. And the harder you try... the worse it all gets?

mMmm...

Got it... All I got ta do is lay back and relax. Heck, be myself. LoL, its the easiest most natural thing ta do. That should do the trick... I hope... I'm gonna go chill now...

Oh I wrote this a few days ago. I need to edit it... Help me out?

Intangible waves of cascading notes rippled from the sleek shape of the avant-garde stereo-system. Staccatos and ties meshed exquisitely to form a wonderfully intricate tapestry only fully grasped by far too few. The room seemed almost preternaturally dark for neither moon nor stars deemed to grace the waning night.
Then brusque and sudden the shrill scream of the digital alarm infringed heavy-handedly upon the effortless elegance of the moving concerto. Shifting only grudgingly, a diminutive form, hitherto hidden in a fortress of soft white cotton sheets and feather pillows came gradually into view. Yawning precariously the boy stumbled out of the inviting warmth and safety that was his refuge. Slogging mentally through the fog of sleep that yet threatened to envelope him he trudged with purpose towards the silver profile of the ringing alarm and with languid yet somehow near dreadful finality let fall his hand on the flush snooze button on the top of the clock.
Five more minutes, he pleaded with himself but to no purpose. He often found talking to himself this early in the morning a pointless and rather boorish experience. He could never seem to reason with himself in this condition. He sensed himself clicking off the alarm proper and proceeding to the next item that fit into his daily and essential ritual of rousing himself from sleep. For a full twenty minutes the boy stood almost unmoving before the stereo that was much more to him than a clever construction of plastic and metal. It was his window into the fantastical and something indescribably otherworldly. As the soft beauty of composition washed over him his young psyche drew inevitably towards the events of the prior day. He had known, far too well what answer he would receive long before he uttered a single prying word. He had asked the question too many times before. Too many times had the same answer, the very one he had received only hours before, been invariably returned to him. He had known, but yet he persisted to ask, the fundamental basis of his curiosities reluctance to cease being hope for a better conclusion, even if he had learnt already not to hope too much. He would gain understanding when he grew into age. He ached for a time when his beard was long and snowy, for surely then would he be old enough to possess the wisdom to know the resolution to his trifling question.
He sighed the sigh of a little boy
The day would be another one. Another routine viciously carried out with brutal efficiency and with the absolute maximum exploitation of time. He was not ready but then, it was already too late.
He opened his eyes and turned a silver knob.
Abruptly the melody halted with only silence filling the gap.

Vivace

2005-02-07T01:00:00.000+08:00

Ahhh,

Today was fun. ;)

Wanna know what I did?

Since after, or to be honest, before SPM I've been spoiling my soul lousy with way too much leisure and bagatelle.

My cycle has been pretty much eat, sleep, watch tv, basketball, and hanging out. I have to say I'm developing a keen expertise for the first, second and third item, but other than that... man... my lifes wasting away. Its been the absolute antithesis of what I've been meaning to do. All too familiar to a compulsive procrastinator, e.g. moi.

Anyway, I went to Bau tadae!

LoL

Y'know the amazing part? This will probably cause a few apoplexies,

I

Was

Working!!!

Aren't you proud of me? Of course I didn't do much, just carried a few things up and down, held up the light... once I think and uh... yea other than that I was pretty much underfoot, basically causing more trouble than I was help. Still it was fun watching them film scenes... Oh... yea... I was witnessing, and nominally part of probably one of, if not the first film, low budget as it may be, produced in Sarawak, by peeps who actually grew up here. Tis cool no? I only wish I knew how to be more of a factor on set. I feel kinda... well like an idiot standing around waiting 4 the director to tell me to grab this of hold that or whatever. mMmm... gotta learn to know where to be when, not just a mindless drone type kuli.

Well, I guess I can't help it. I probably have the IQ of about 70 or smth, thats about that of a smart chimp? Give a take a few points.

Forgive me for I digress.

Anyway it was fun, oh btw its a horror flick! Can't wait to see how the rest of the feature unfolds. I hope it manages to avoid falling into the category that most people generally relegate locally produced films to; a few degrees short of trash. LoL

Ahhhh

Need to learn more. Gawd, what life would be if I were only as interested in the material thats been spouting out of school teaching mouths all these years. Life would be good then no? Hmm on second thought maybe not.

Y'know the best thing about today?

I feel alive.

;)

No morbid post tonight. Sorry to dissapoint, LoL

Maybe tomorrow.

Cryptic lil puzzle box,
Twist the sides,
Twist the top,
The secret forever lies within,
The silent rustle between the seams,
Turn it over,
Side to side,
No patterns,
Nor colours with which to match,
The cube is smooth,
What be the catch?
How does the solution evade the grasp?

Played the harp and sang a song,
Juggled two swords and flaming torch,
Bent my back to earthen ground,
Still the box gave not a sound,

Slew a dragon; scathed by its breath,
Follow the path; the yellow brick road,
Climbed King Arthurs graveyard mound,
Still the box gave not a sound,

Still the box gave not a sound!

Finally,
Finally it came to me,
I left the box itself to be,
Slowly and ever so grudgingly,
The box came open,
By only own solemn gravity.

G'nite...

Swank

2005-02-02T23:14:00.000+08:00

On the knee of the stairs stood the sitting swanky boy,
Rain came pouring down on tarmac; misting swaggers in the air,
Rain be dripping,
Rain rebounding,
Rain flowed down his sunburnt face,
Lip be curling,
Into smile of crooked make,
Gale starts flushing through the alley, past the bright red stop sign,
Trench coat swimming through the current of the stale moving wind,
Gutters clogging,
Drainpipes flooding,
Streets and rivers, hand in hand,
The boy stood staring nonchalant, ever without the slightest care,
The wave crashing, down around him,
Then no longer was the boy there.

***
Don't ask me what that was all about, I don't have a clue, I just write it. Doesn't mean I understand it. Sheesh...

LoL...

I'm so extremely blur today. I swear i was staring at the monitor for 10-15 secs spaced out, not moving a muscle, not even entertaining the slightest figment of thought. I have achieved new heights of idiocy, or at the very least surpassed my personal best.

Hum dee dum dee dum...

I need to start doing something. My heads turning to rot, and my brains not far behind either. mMmm... At least I should be working soon. Production manager assist. (or something similiar to that) for a short film. Ahhh... sounds real posh no? Until you hear that the only reason I have the job is because the glorious production manager is none other than my sister, and I'll probably be 'assisting' her by oh say bringing her coffee and maybe a pen now and then. Who knows i might even get to run out for newspaper. Ah the glamour, I can't hardly wait.

One of those weird days again...

Will they ever stop?

mMmm...

The endless intricacies and eccentricities of the ostentacity to lounge a full year away, how can I hope to keep up...

Gnite.

The Grail

2005-01-31T22:21:00.000+08:00

Yknow, I just realised something. I think i just might found the reason why i toy with morbidity so much. Maybe the reason I compose all these sombre and morosely laced posts on this self heraldingly titled blog is that, maybe, just maybe i dont believe that I even have the right to be happy? The right to feel good about myself... The right to be simply... satisfied with myself.

loL...

Have you heard the tale of the boy, the old man, and the donkey?

They were on this journey you see, the three of them. At first no one rode the donkey, they simply trudged along side by side, taking the journey as it came. When they passed the first of many people they would meet on this winding road they had set off upon he looked sympathetically, almost condescendingly on them; a manner they would find most familiar all too soon, and spoke his part, small as it was in the script,

'Why walk, when you can ride? You put the abilities of the hardy beast to waste. If one of you were to saddle it, your journey would be much eased,'

The well-meaning stranger then walked away, taken on his own path leaving the travelers with his words and reason.

The story goes on, and at first the boy rides the donkey. But then they come upon another wary traveler, who deems to impart his knowledge upon them. He reprimands the boy, wondering how inconsiderate a heart the young one must possess, to have the thick-skinned audacity to sit in luxury while an elder man; much closer to the travelers years i might add, was compelled by the boys choice to walk the dreadful miles.

On the fable unwinds.

The boy, the old man and the donkey meet many a traveler, each with their own bit to share. Each with years of bittersweet experience and solid reason behind them.

The configuration of their party was a veritable dynamo; in a constant state of flux, punctuated and catalyzed by their encounters with one after another journey man.

Its changed from the old man riding, back immediately to the young boy riding, then at the expense of the poor donkeys back and at the advice of yet another wayfarer they both mounted the donkey.

Can you see where this is heading?

Finally they meet a final traveler who is disgusted by the way the two men showed such inhumane cruelty by their complete disregard for the poor animals well-being. Scathingly he protested their behaviour and furiously he demanded that the both promptly dismount the overtaxed creature and use their god given gifts that were their two perfectly formed feet.

***

Everyone has their own point of view...

We search for the best in ourselves, yet we are faced with a different mirror of perfection at every turn. Where do we go to find peace? Who would we mold ourselves to be?

The only person who can satisfy you;

IS YOU.

No mortal, no being, save God Almighty can even venture to chance a fleeting whisper of perfection.

Why chase the shadow of the holy grail?

Why?

What else is there to be done?

I am nothing, Still I try, I do not mean to be self-righteous, I do not mean to court arrogance, This is who I am, Love me, Hate me, This is me.

Dekhade

2004-11-30T01:42:00.000+08:00

Listen,

Listen,

Can you hear the starlit shadow?

The rustling in the night?

Can you see the whisper of will-o-wisps,

Where darkling waters lie?

Taste the taste of wonder,

Miscellaneously,

The blind can hear yet cannot see,

The deaf can be but dumb,

What sense have we of 5 lack?

Is five simply where lifes begun?

* * *

I've always wondered whats out there that we simply can't perceive. Things that are just beyond our human and technologies capacity. The guy in the Sound Machine, had the same idea when he made the machine to listen in the the flowers death shriek as it was cavalierly snipped. Well maybe that wasn't what he was trying to reach, but thats what he got.

Quantum physicist are reasearching string theory that relies on the basis of a 10 dimensional hyperspace! 10 dimensions?!?! Even in ADND™; a role-playing game, there are only 7. They believe that the universe is made out of infinitely miniscule strings that vibrate and in that act produce the music of life? Thats what I understand anyway. I may be very very off here. Fantastical...

So if there really are 10 dimensions. What are we missing in the 4th and the 5th? What sights lie in the 6th and 7th? How tastes the 8th dimesion? Who could we meet in the 9th and the 10th?

mMmm...

Even if we only had 3 dimensions, I've personally always wondered. What colour is a radio wave?

LoLs...

I hate my ego. I love my ego. Screw my ego.

G'nite

Enchilada

2004-11-24T20:14:00.000+08:00

The shade slid slowly by; hardly a whisper in the the wind told of its passing.

The lazy eye of mine,
Drifted slowly by,
Always need some time,
To figure out my life,

I never know what it means to be me,
Never felt what I should feel,
Never was who I was meant to be,

Literally,

Always hidden behind,
All these words of mine,
Wonder if I'll ever find,
Just a little piece of mind,

What am I doing?

Bloody blog ;)

Ever just feel like you're missing something?

I can't feel... complete? I don't know. It's so weird. My life is far from perfect but, what is it? Ugh... Hate hormones.

"Nothing is ever easy," Terry Goodkind.

mMmm...

Was watching Ed a little while ago. i like that show. I guess thats the beauty of a tv show. You get to live vicariously through it's characters. In way I guess it enables us to, to a certain extent experience things we never would,could or even should do. I like the show cause the peeps in it do things that are just so incredibly eccentric and plain weird. loLs. Plus Ed's a hopeless romantic; poor sucker. Wow look at me, it's as if he's a real person, the way I talk bout him. Like he's a personal friend or something... geez.

Anyway...

There were two guys in this episode that brought up something really interesting.

There were two very different philosophies put into play.

One was by a American literary giant. He wrote,

"Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity! I say, let your affairs be as two or three, and not a hundred or a thousand. . . ." Henry D. Thoreau.

The other was a fictional character who had a brush with death after a failed bacon-making experiment. ;) His whole perspective was shaken. He realised how little he had accomplished and how fragile life was. How little time he had. He wrote a book, 'Do Everything'. His own personal, published secrets to living life. He rode off in the sunset with a horse because he simply never did it before.

So...

Both are aesthetically tantalizing.

In Thoreau's book Walden, as I understand from the show anyway, the protagonist; the main character of the same name just picks up and moves to the woods. He found that when he took the time to smell the flowers, literally I suspect, the world seemed to be more... meaningful? When you let the beauty of a sunset wash over you, when you let the waterfall wash you clean, thats where he found his place. Thats where he found what everyone quests for. Thats where he found satisfaction. My brother once told me he would be happy just living in a shanty, with his guitar. That was a while back though, but it hints around the same corner.

mMmm...

I think i prefer the latter way of living. I'm enticed by the subject 'Everything 101'.

'The Theory Of Everything," Sid Meiers.

I guess, it's because I keep hearing about how everyone, sooner or later gets this mid-life crisis thing. And then you go, Oh my @#$%ing G#$@! What have I done with my life. You know that kinda thing. When your whole life just seems so devoid of any tangible achievement. I do not want to be a balding 40 year old looking back at my paltry parody of a life and thinking, damn, should've done that when I had the chance.

LoLs, maybe thats why I decided to take a year off formal education next year. Theres just so many things I've always wanted to do. I procrastinate with things I don't want to, but have to do. When I have genuine interest, I go for it. Somehow that just sounds so wrong. Whatever. Next year should be fun. Lots of things I got to do. Lots of things I want to know. A short list? I'm gonna dunk, I should learn Mandarin, mMmm guitar lessons, advance me scuba diving license so I can dive deeper, play better badminton, learn to ballroom and break dance, take a few course in computers and maybe mechanics, learn to draw, visit the gym, write, read, travel, meet new people, laugh, smile. ;) Tons and tons more. Just sooo many things I just need to do. Don't you have something you've always wanted to do? A year isn't enough for me. But it's a great start ;)

What is life, if not for the living?

Hopefully I'll find something that fills me and I can stop roaming, but til then...

Play me a serenade, and still my pain. When the sirens halt singing, at the rainbows end.

G'nite,

God bless.

Umbra

2004-11-16T21:54:00.000+08:00

mMmm...

I do think too much. And most of the time, I'm too possessed of the chthonian and tenebrous. LoLs... I'm supposed to be mellowing down me language. Relieving it of the gewgaws and frippery that ornament it so ostentatiously... Lmao... So sorry I can't help meself. Me blog is the only place where I can write whatever I want whenever I feel like it. Thats the whole beauty of it. Let you in on a lil secret too. I try ta fit in all the words I can think of, that I hardly ever have the chance to use elsewhere, in me blog so that I remember them.

I love blogging. It lets me vent all the stuff i think bout.

I'm a kinda weird introverted person at times. LoLs . How many people do you know just sit and watch the waves by themselves? Or play basketball then gaze at the stars? Weird no? Thats just me.

Blogs are extentions and and as Arthur Van Manfred says, expressions of ourselves. LoL.. So I guess that means this is who I am. The geek within.

But then I've always been a nerd. Take a look at me primary school photos. There wasn't a bigger geek alive. Still the same person, just not wearing glasses no more.

mMmm...

When I look back at my life, they've been so many memories. And surprisingly for someone of my decidedly morbid character I find that I smile when I think of most of them. LoL, o'course there are times when I wished I could just turn the clock back and do something another way, but, y'know...

"Regrets, I have a few. But, then again, too few to mention," Frank Sinatra

What is my deepest, most Bunyanesque regret in my short 17 years? ;) It's all too obvious. I always thought that I would, y'know... have... I don't know? Someone special? mMmm... Maybe it's just too much tv and too many novels. I mean, everyone looks at themselves as the main character in their own personal unfolding tale that is each of our individual lives. I guess I couldn't help but be nudged and influenced by all the plotlines from all the various stories I've had the pleasure to be audience to. From anecdotes to epics, almost every main character has an opposite. Every author and producer it seems has reached unspoken yet unconcertingly unanimous consensus that someone can only be truly complete when... Sometimes it suksh to read and watch the telly, it fills the mush between you ears with fanciful exaggerations and notions that value around that of wet cotton. I'm such a fag sometimes. I blame it on hormones. Screw them.

Anyway, most of my life I am proud of. I've lost count of how many times I've said this but, I've always done what I thought was best, though I am not free of err. I have tried, best I can, not to take the easy way out, but to do what I feel like I should. That's gotta count for something right?

Like I said before, there are only shades of gray and you can only do your best.

But then, also be prepared not to receive what you have given. Sometimes, no, most of the times, you will never get what you expect. I'm not saying that I'm a long-suffering practitioner of gallantry. I'm just saying this is how I believe the world reacts to it. Furthemore I believe this how sincerity first came to being. Not from some romanticized idea of chivalry or unselfishness. I believe sincerity, at least initially was simply a... warning, a disclaimer of some sort. Like, okay okay, my favourite moral of the story genre story, 'Honesty Is The Best Policy', ( it's my favourite simply because it contradicts itself,). Anyway, the moral is... oh wait it's the title, so yea. It's glaringly self-evident. They story tells of a young boy who finds a wallet and with no ulterior motive fueling him, promptly returns it to it's rightful owner. His integrity is rewarded. The story then goes on to the moral, and adds the requirement of sincerity, that we should expect nothing in return except for our own contentment at our nobility. So we should expect nothing, yet the boy in the story gets a reward? HUH? What are they trying to do mix a 5-year old up?!?! If they really wanted them to expect nothing, they should've given the boy in the story nothing too.

Sincerity; what it really means is that we should expect nothing from our actions, however noble or magnanimous we think them to be. People around you might not view them in the same light. Maybe the actions that we think are unselfish and generous are viewed as self-righteous and presumptious? And who's to say they're not right? That, along with the fact that even if our actions are as altruistic as they seem to us, we might garner in fact no reparation whatsoever. If the boy were real, most likely he would get a thank you or a pat on the head, no more. And this is for an obvious act of benignity! How less rewarded are the subtle acts of good will? I'm not saying that good does not beget good. I'm just saying that it's not that straightforward. Not that intantaneous. Not that... common? I'm just saying that the chances are against it.

Sincerity. By taking this value to heart, you protect yourself. It is truly a precept of the purest order, but it also doubles as a defense. Expect nothing, so that you will not be hurt when you receive nothing.

No wonder the medieval knights of antiquity were said to be armed with gallantry, served by chivalry, and armoured by sincerity.

LoL, I just made that up. Sounds neat though no?

But then again, those knights were around the time of the dark ages, when truly grisly and ungodly acts were commited. I don't think they were all as pure-hearted as they are made up to be. A stained white cloth will look amazingly clean when put on afore material of Cimmerian make.

G'nite

Checkmate

2004-11-13T01:24:00.000+08:00

I played chess yesterday. It's been awhile. Used to like that game. How you had to think before every move you made. How you had to predict where the consequences to your moves would take you. How you had to adapt to the situations that your pieces were in. How there were virtually endless possibilities, and an equally remarkable number of endings. How you decided the fate of your unquestioning troops. Even if it be to sacrifice themselves for your victory. ;) heheh... Almost sadistic no?

But seriously. This is gonna sound geeky, but chess kinda puts life in a kinda detached perspective for me. I mean it bears such an obvious resemblance to life. The choices we make today spark ramifications of our tomorrows. Every step we take could potentially lead to a checkmate, either for us, or against us. In chess we play against a single opponent. Though the positions be virtually infinite, the rules that govern play are rigid, constant and known by players at both ends of the board. In life there are no rules to speak of, except the ones we bind unto ourselves. This is not to say that limitations are necessarily malignant or oppresive, since an individual or society without certain set boundaries are prey to anarchy and therefore total chaos. Some rules are canons set by expectations of the society. In this day and age however most are beliefs we have taken to heart and adhere to because we believe them just. So just how do you play a game that has no manual. How do you suceed in a game that has no arbitrary point where you simply can jump up and say "I kick all y'all a#$es," or maybe just "I win."

I believe that all you can really do is move one piece at a time; searching as far ahead into the future as you can. Look at where your actions will bring you, look at what your actions will mold you into. Is that where you want ta be? Is that who you want to be? In life we play against no one and everyone at the same time. Imagine an enormous chessboard that is exactly the same size as this fair globe of blue and green we live on. Imagine millions, billions of players at each side of the indiscernably vast playing board, everyone moving their pieces simultaneously, some with many pieces, some with only one, every players sending fluxes that influence every other point in the game at every move.

"A pebble in the pond," Terry Goodkind.

Ripples in a pool. Algae and moss awakened from lazy loafing, only to float gently in the slight waves formed in the wake of the sinking catalyst.

It's one of the reasons why I try so hard every step I take. The enormity of it is staggering. Every word you say, every unthinking act you perform could and does affect people around you. I know I fail over and over again, but not for lack of trying. It is hard to conquer vices that reside within your very self. When I stand before the flaming gates to paradise I will say with a clear conscience that I have given my all to do what I believe was right. I may have trangressed, but I remain but human. The road I had paved might've led to disaster, but every tile was laid with good intent. Who was it that said that the end justifies the means? I think it more true that the means justifies the end. Maybe it is an overly idealistic notion, but hey, why not feel good about something while you can. They have always said ignorance is bliss. I revel in the precious innocence still left to me while I can. The world may be a ugly place, but I believe that for every unspeakable horror there is beauty to match and annul it; to balance it.

The world though from some windows appear uniformly gray, possesses all the shades of the rainbow and more. Look and you shall find. Its in the old saying that every cloud has a silver lining. Clouds merely conceal the sun for fleeting moments.

It may not be a good philosophy but when I play chess, I don't always aim to win. What I do aim for is to learn and grow with every step of the game. You can only do your best. You can only give what you've got. The man dying of thirst cannot make it so water springs from the hot sands of the desert by his will, however much iron is in it, alone. I cannot reach what is beyond me. What I can do is lengthen my limits so that when the next time rolls around, the desert will flood.

You can only achieve that which is in your ability. Your ability that is potentially boundless. Strive to be all you can be so that you may reach out and grasp your dreams however intangible they may seem.

Be who you want to be.

If you cannot go to the moon, then make the moon come to you.

I have faith in myself, and in the fact that God loves me. ;)

But then who doesn't.

G'nite. ;)

Wayward

2004-11-11T01:39:00.000+08:00

mMmm,

Have you ever felt like you should feel content...
but you don't?
It's just so... I can't figure out whats bothering me... Gawd its just so annoying.
What is it?!?!?!
It's driving me nuts!
My head hurts...
There lives this urge inside everyone of us, that tells us we're not doing enough. That we are meant to be so much more. It's always there the small voice against the torrent of lackadaisacal leisure that seeps into every vacant period of time available. Ok maybe the laziness is more extreme in my case; much much more so, but, everyone feels like, at the least procrastinating, sometimes. That tiny lil guilt-rising quark helps us expand our potential. Maybe...
Screwe that,
Thats not it...
I can't think straight!!!
Bloody hormones...
What is it?
What can't I see?
How can you find something, when you don't know what your looking for???
Whats a needle? Wheres the haystack? What the @#$@#$% is hay?
Holy cow...
It's finally happened...
I've snapped.
Lol. Maybe I'll wake up and realise that my whole lifes been a figment of demented imagination and that I'm really locked up in a cell with cushioned walls and in a jacket which joins at the sleeves.

Doesn't sound too bad.

G'nite, g'nite...

I need to fix my head, I think it's broken...

Day

2004-11-10T09:23:00.000+08:00

Mundane post tadae,

mMmm...

Had a good day yesterday,

Woke up early,
Breakfast with dad,
Wrote that my most memorable moment in The Pearl was when Kino smacked down Juana, Picked (b) for me essay writing question,
The one with the ending We laughed like we never laughed before,
Story was about a guy who excelled at everything in life,
But had totally no joke-skills,
Always messed the lines up,
So I was telling it from his best friends perspective,
He raced his new car,
Beat this guy who wasn't happy about it,
Mauled at the end of a steel pipe,
Coma,
Woke up and said he finally had a joke,
He screwed it up though,
But of course like every corny feel good movie, I mean story,
Everyone laughed anyway.
Oh then I screwed up my sejarah paper,
Renaissance with it's humanism, individualism, and rationalism was a no show,
Piss me off,
;) But it could've been worse,
mMmm,
At night I pseudo-sprained me ankle playing ball,
All good though,
My ankles heal fast,
Had two suppers that tasted like crap,
But at least me stomachs full,
LoL

I don't think I can take many more good days,

mMmm,

Feels like a good day today too.

Nada

2004-11-06T22:50:00.000+08:00

No post tonight.

Just.. no post tonight...

G'nite,

Theos Sogei Me

Letter

2004-11-05T01:27:00.000+08:00

The box was bleeding. He startled at the sight...

* * *

Wrote another letter,
Again I put it away,
Never could find words,
For what I felt to say,

He walked slowly to the red box, to where all his letters lay; as the cover creaked grudgingly, a heavy sigh gave way.

So many letters,
So many thoughts,
All bottled up inside,
Sad melancholy,
Wild emotion,
A storm kept at bay,

As he put another into the brimming box, a crumpled one he glimpsed. A tear-stained envelope, another tragic dream.

The letter came slowly open,
I closed my eyes,
I dared not see,

What I knew awaited me,

The letter started innocuous,
If only to the eye..

And to the ears,
And to the heart,
And to the soul of mine,

He stopped, he could go no further, he would not let him slip. He slammed the box shut; he turn the lock by key.

Only then he realised, what he had in his hand; still clutched within his fingers, was the tear-stained shape.

* * *

I meant to write more, but again exams...

Its so sad, can't write what I want to...

mMmm...

Still, at least it's something.

;) Gnite

Your ghost is haunting me, who won't it let me be? I want to forget, yet I treasure the memories.

Fallen

2004-11-03T13:03:00.000+08:00

The firmament turned an angry gray as dark clouds rumbled across the stratosphere. The world seem to assume preternatural darkness, though jagged flashes of lightning danced forks upon the fading light, sending crescendos of rumbling thunder ominously in their wake.. As the booming voice of lightning, like the drums of fate itself culminated; the air filled with macabre anticipation.

For an eternal moment all was still.

Then, as is the tempest after the calm, a shaft of divine light, purer than a child’s laugh and greater than a kings wrath, broke through the forbidding wall of clouds

An arrow of effervescent light, as if from God’s bow itself, shot at beyond uncanny velocity towards the peak of the Himalayas.

The white of the angels wings were stained crimson as he was smashed brutally upon the harsh rocks of the crags sheer side. His wails of agony were silent under the howling of the unyielding gale. Broken and bloody he fell facedown onto the cold of the rock floor. He found not the strength to stand. He lay prostrate before the empty air, sobbing uncontrollably; for whence there was only beauty and perfection laid a marred creature not much more than flesh and bone. He had been exiled from the all-consuming warmth that enveloped his celestial abode.

He had been banished from heaven.

***

mMmm...

Could be much better, just don't have the time, seeing that exams are tomorrow. ;) Maybe later. ;)

Ciaoz.

White Gold

2004-11-02T01:34:00.000+08:00

When I went to KL, I met two people who changed my life forever. One was the head prefect of his school and grade eight pianist who could play songs while facing the other way. The other was, evidently a 'phai kia', with a history as a player. They were best friends... They met at church. The considered themselves brothers and I, since I was 3 years younger than them, was adopted as their 'lil bro'. Yea cute eh?

They made so much sense to me, and I guess in a way symbolized the almost satirical dichotomy that permeates life. Somehow, these two friends who were almost exact opposites understood each other and to my own naiveté, more miraculously understood me.

It was amazing how we just clicked. In two weeks I made two friends that so radically affected me that I'm willing to say that they are a big chunk of who I am today. I just was so touched by their sincerity and open-heartedness that I fell into complete ease with them. They told me of their lives and all they had been through and it all just made so much sense to me it was almost like looking into the mirror and seeing myself, doing what I would do were I faced the same decision.

They taught me that I should at all times try my best to be friendly with everyone, cause everyone deserves to be treated with respect. They taught me to be true to myself. They taught me that you have to give to receive.

Most importantly, they taught me the value of friendship. They taught me how to listen and sympathize. They taught me to stand by friendship.

And they did it without words. They showed me the beauty of a true friend by being one everyday.

I learnt that a friend can heal wounds that no doctor can even identify, much less comprehend.

I learnt that a friend is always there.

I learnt that friendship is a bond stronger than any alloy forged by man.

I learnt that a friend accepts you for who you are.

I learnt that I wanted to be that kind of friend.

I can only hope that I live up to what they have revealed to me.

I will be forever indebted to them for the lessons they so unconsciously passed on to me.

True friends like a break in the clouds, fill the all-pervading shades of gray with colour and warmth.

G'nite,

Bitter

2004-10-31T23:32:00.000+08:00

I feel weird tonight, so, so weird.

Can u guys help me?

Nevermind, forget it.

;) I'm me, I'm always alright.

I'll just go play some ball or something.

That usually helps.

I just feel so confused sometimes.

LoL... It's funny...

Sometimes I wish, I could just cut out a part of myself, a part of my life, just so that I didn't have to remember...

Ah....

Ever just feel like screaming?

This is a waste of a post. Ah heres a poem,

Honeyed bunches,
Pale moonlight,
Watched the sea drift in the night,
Reached up to heaven; took a bite,
Never bother with a why,

Forget it, just not meself todae. ;)

Lmao.

I'll forget it by the morning so, I'll hurry on there. G'bye, sorry i could come up anything better.

Have mercy on this poor inept mortal, O great blog. ;)

Theos Sogei Me

Picture

2004-10-29T23:40:00.001+08:00

I've always had this picture in my head; of this sad lil boy in a dank lonely street, sobbing softly to himself in the pale spot of lamplight sheltered from the dark of a moonless night.

I guess we all feel sorry for ourselves sometimes. Its one of the flaws that marr and strengthen our nature.

I admit, sometimes I lock up my negativity; my little disappointments and pain. I mean what right do I have to mope over my little afflictions when people in the world are literally dying of hunger, dying from war, from terror. Besides, nobody wants to hear a sad story... Everyone has their own. Maybe this is just how all the lil hurts i've compiled manifests itself.

Sometimes, when people look at me and decide there and then, that I'm one sort of person, it does kinda scath, ;) just a lil. But, y'know, I don't mind so much. Everyones entitled to what they wanna believe. True or not. As long as my good buddies and me family of course, know who I really am, it's more than enough.

"All I need is the air that I breathe, and my friends and family to believe in me," Trik Turner

I know that I've tried. I know that I've failed. I know that I've suceeded. I know I have weaknesses, but I also have strengths. I know that someone up there knows all this too and understands and loves me all the same.

We can only be who we are. We are human. And that comes with the good and the bad. We may desire and aspire to perfection, but perfection will forever be beyond the realm of man.

We have to realise that everyone has their faults.

We all want to be forgiven right? We all want that second chance.

I know I can't control everything nor everyone around me.

What I can do, is start with myself...

That in itself, is difficult enough.

Still, all we can do; is try.

;)

Ethereal

2004-10-29T03:13:00.000+08:00

Have you ever had a dream, that though uncannily surreal held a breath of veracity so convincing that it simply felt.... almost tangible, almost touchable? Then all at once, it slips from your grasp, fading absently, detached, into the foggy regions of recollection... Isn't it weird how they just blow by like that? How one moment you're in the thick of all this movement and sound, and colour, noise, emotion, and then.... nothing.

Just like that.

Sometimes I wonder,

Is that what our life is?

I believe in life after death. And for as long as I remember, I've been told that life is no more than a drop in infinity. So... if there really is an afterlife, it should be, at least in the sense we see it, eternal. So what is a life span thats barely a century in length stood shoulder to shoulder to immortality? Saying that it is to eternity as a dream is to it is abundantly generous.

So is that all this life is? A glorified playground for our emotions and creativity to run wild? I mean it only makes sense that our more chaotic nature will be curbed or in some way limited, just as it is when we're awakened from our sleep, only much more so. I guess you could even say that life, like our dreams are a release for all the excess propensicity of our imagination contained within our afterself. Like our dreams our life will seem to have been filled with so much animation. So much colour, with things unimaginable; so inanely improbable that they approach impossibility. Y'know, the kind of stuff you say to yourself is only possible in your dreams...

The big question is; will our life fade into nothingness as well; banished even by memory? Will we forget who, no, what we are? Will we in essence still be who we are? If not... then...

Then...

...

Are we living a dream?

I dream, I dreamt, i dream.

Widdershins

2004-10-27T23:45:00.000+08:00

Widdershins runs the clock,
The clock runs widdershins,

The scythe fades slowly back,
The old man, his life, did he retrack;

Grandchildren 13 did he possess,
The youngest but a tottering babe,
Of 10 months, 10 days, 10 hours old,

His life did he regret,
All the red that had to be shed,
He wished it wasn't so,
But his life cranked gently on,

Widdershins runs the clock,
The clock runs widdershins,

He was a man of 50 years,
Strong heart, less hair had he,
4 wives has he already had,
3 more did he need,

4 sons to tend to philosophy,
2 daughters to tend to him,

Widdershins runs the clock,
The clock runs widdershins,

He was a youth of 26,
His dark hair combed back slick,
His golden tongue worked many a deal,
The fork between unseen until;
The deed they had done,

He had a love he loved to bits,
He dreamt nothing but of her kiss,
But it was not to be,
Life giveth and taketh from thee,

Widdershins runs the clock,
The clock runs widdershins,

A boy of 14 ran the field,
With swarms of friends amok,
They wondered not what the future held,
Or what they're meant to be,

Sweet innocence,
Pure beauty,
The ignorance,
Brought bliss,

Widdershins runs the clock,
The clock runs widdershins,

He couldn't recall what came before,
But he could hear mother cooing calls,
And fathers soft comforting,

And then it all became a blur and nothing else was he to see...

* * *

Its a work in progress. One I'm considering scrapping less than 2 mins after its production. ;)

Sorry for the bad poetry the truth is... I'm just so tired... Spent the past few days at the state library. And by the day I mean the whole entire day! Ing Haws been kind enough to drive by and pick me up. It's pretty generous since my house is between Sg.Maong and Stargarden, while his is near tabuan. I need ta drive. Feel bad making people go outta their way. Anyway the libs actually purty fun... I mean you're knda focused on studying while you're there, so thats good, considering exams are about to bump into us around the corner and when you're tired you can just chill out with friends. Still even under the quiet of the extremely condusive and study-oriented atmosphere I can't cover more that 2 chapters. Just can't concentrate after that... Usually I fall asleep... ;) Yea that's moi 4 u.

Irrevocable

2004-10-26T22:09:00.000+08:00

Humptey Dumptey sat on a wall, Humptey Dumptey had a great fall,
And all the queens horses, And all the queens men,
Couldn't put humptey together again...

There are just some things that you can't fix.

Somethings you only have one chance to get right. Once it's gone you can never take it back. The surgeon who has lost a patient, a broken egg; its yolk spilt across the floor...

The question is... Where do you draw the line? Do you give up when things seem impossible? How do you know when to quit? What is worse? An exercise in futility or no attempt at all?

It would be great if we could just put our whole heart into everything we do, but are somethings just not worth the effort? I mean do we have time to dedicate the brevity of our life to every cause we see? How much of an impact will we make if we spread ourselves that thin?

No, nothing is impossible... But sometimes, I hate to say this, it's just not worth it...

Why spend a day soaking the milk off the carpet and forcing it back into it's carton? Who would wanna drink spoilt milk? It's bang for buck in its crudest form...

Nothing is truly irrevocable, but the limitations that are set upon us by the very length of our existence, compel us to prioritize and therefore render some acts virtually unfeasible.

We only have one life. Why spend it chasing shadows? The world is a veritable ocean or multiplicity. For every fish that got away a million more swim, eyes riveted; watching the bait.

However, there are always exceptions to the rule.

No statistic has ever reliably shown anything any fact to be 100% consistent.

There will always be anomalies...

There will always be extremes...

So if you believe there truly is something worth devoting your priceless time to....

I would do it.

For who are you if you are not yourself? It is your life, why spend time squeezing into whatever caste the world believes you should belong?

Remember even Lazarus who walked with the dead awoke as if only from sleep.

;)

Sweet Dreams,

Shelter

2004-10-26T01:21:00.000+08:00

Would you stand still despite the pouring rain? When the icy droplets course down the warm length of your skin? Would you stand and keep asking why the rain had to fall? Why the sombre clouds in the sky stood stoically between you and the sun?

Would you find shelter from the storm?

I noticed, a while ago, why I used to get all fatalistic and piny and all. You know the whole I'm a tortured soul, nobody understands me, boo-hoo routine... Yea, I used to get that alot, and yea it's piti-fool, ;) and uh-huh it probably has alot to do with hormones. It also had alot to do with the way I looked at things. Maybe I enjoyed morosely brooding over the solemn sentimentalities of life. Maybe I liked the whole I'm complex act. It's not that alot of people knew about it or anything. It was more for my own benefit. It's strange, we lie even to ourselves, or at least we try to. Maybe it made me feel special. Tsk tsk tsk, what a sad sad lil person I am...

I've found out, that you are what you think you are. You feel what you wish to feel! It really is that simple.

I used to keep telling myself that, 'Gawd, life is futile' and 'Why try? What the @#$%^ point?!?!?'

I now realise that what I was doing was equivalent to intellectual suicide. If you keep dwelling on something it will gradually and inexorably comsume you. I of course, trusted myself completely so I was hapless to the insidious workings of my traitorious mind.

If something is really bothering you and you must think about it, then think of a solution. Stop watching the raindrops; look for shelter.

You just have to look at things right.

Everything and everyone is beautiful. True beauty does not flaunt itself for all to view but remains hidden and is all the more exquisite for its modesty. Like unsung heroes they change the flow of history though nobodies watching. The tree still lies on the floor though not a soul has heard its fall from glory.

So now what do I do now?

I wear a raincoat!!!

Did I just say that? Gawd what a cheap joke. I am the lame maister... ;)

Raindrops keep falling on my head,
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red,
Cryings not for me,
No,
I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining...
De dum dum dum, de dum de dum de dum de dum dum de de dum dum,

LoL...

I'm a sucker for cheesy classics.

G'nite,

Godbless.

Stained Glass

2004-10-24T21:17:00.000+08:00

My computers finally, decidedly dead. Using a laptop right now, My post that was supposed to be up yesterday's gone with it... Just bad luck I guess. It was overdue for a reformatting anyway. Just a prod in the right direction. ;)

mMmm...

There's something thats been bothering me more than usual recently.

Don't judge a book by its cover.

Somehow the sayings simultaneously phenomenally infamous and inexplicably sedentary. How is it that a world renowned and amply substantiated aphorism is so widely disregarded? Why do stereotypical notions still own a stranglehold on the human perception?

First impressions are all important, yet they are boldly coloured by the views, however slanted they may be, that the beholder derives from a persons appearance, and what he seems to be. He is assosiated to labels according to what he wears, how he walks, how he talks. From my own experience, alot of people have told me that I remind them of a friend, or someone they know. Is it then so far-fetched that many have been reminded of someone their less fond of? Of course then they wouldn't say anything. Maybe its unfair to say that judging someone through thorn rimmed glasses is erroneous; it's logical that people with similiar attitudes could foreseeably share certain characteristics. You could simply say that you are utilizing common knowledge and past encounters with persons akin to better surmise the character of a new acquaintance. Fair enough; to you. How fair is it to the person who is prejudged concordant to his looks, his only fault being that he possesses qualities analogous to a particular someone or group of people? Typecasts are extremely dangerous and flawed tools. It could potentially hurt people at both its ends.

Appearances are gossamer facades that can't, and will never do justice to the luster of the inner being.

It is infinitely more difficult to accept and understand someone for who they really are, and maybe there is no true tangible benefit in it.

Again, its only my opinion, but I feel that it is only when we look past these insubstantial walls that entomb each of us will we even begin to understand one another.

Only then will we understand the abstract concept of friendship...

Its simple, Don't say you do, Show that you do...

Worthy

2004-10-22T21:41:00.000+08:00

Is it worth it?

Trying so hard all the time?

Trying to do what you think is right?

Trying to mold yourself into your own image of perfection?

Why can't we just lay back, and let it all go?

There are people who do it all the time and they seem to be doing fine. Why go through all the trouble to go against your nature?

Personally, I try in my own way, to be the best person I can be. I don't want to be inconsiderate, or just plain rude. I don't wanna be overinquisitive. I don't wanna be insensitive, I don't want to be a jerk. I don't want to be misleading. Sometimes, I just can't help it, it's almost as if it's as much a part of me as my hand. I can't seem to restrain myself, and thats what sucks the most. Ah but then what is life without a challenge or two eh? Incongruity whatever else it might bring, enlivens the blandness that layers life.

So many questions...

So much doubt...

So little reason...

Belief, is all we truly have. Our only guide thorugh the chaos that flourishes with life is, like a friends messenger nick states, faith in things unseen.

I don't know whos version of the truth is genuine and who's is but a cheap imitation? Who's to say.

I really would like to write more and put a lil more quality into the post, maybe you can tell that I've been distracted. Right now I have much more important things to do..

A friend needs to talk.

And no it's not a hot chick...

G'nite

And sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.

Shades of Gray & Silver

2004-10-21T23:10:00.000+08:00

Oxymorons. ;)

They kick ass.

Y'know what I mean.

It's when you put two contradicting words together in a single expression. Everyone uses them. Like, my personal favourite 'an eternal moment', or a better example would be Charmaine's 'cynical-idealism'.

Oxymorons are the embodiments of a world where there truly is no longer any black and white.

Oh... Detour for a moment on a lil side note. LoL... I learnt a new word todae. Bombastic... Lmao... Mr. Alvin Bong used it to describe the language in Daphne's blog.

Anyway...

Back to black and white.

The world is obsessed with right and wrong. But really, what is it? What is right? Who decides who's wrong? Judges use the law and past experience to help them at very best make an educated guess. That’s why false convictions and dismissal are made all the time. That’s why sentences vary from judge to judge even on cases that are so similar that they almost identical. That’s why never is there an issue where absolutely everyone agrees upon entirely. Heard the fable about the boy the donkey and his grandfather? Nvm...

Everyone aspires to greatness. Everyone pursues perfection. But how do you get there? How do you know when you're there? How do you know where it even is? Most people select role models and idols from the ranks of the rich, famous or renowned across the world. Even more model themselves after divinity. Others follow stringently in the large footsteps of their father, brother or local legend. Decidedly few sculpt themselves to their own personal designs. What’s more none of those 'personal' designs are wholly original. We are never the pure architects of own minds thoughts, as much as we wish to be.

So I think Einstein got it right.

We live in a world of relative morality, relative greatness, relative perfection.

The unfortunate fact is, nobody really knows what any of these grandiose concepts pertain. All we can do is weigh it against the masses and what the majority believes. And that’s where relativity comes in. All our judgments come from what people around us think. Therefore it's not surprising that millions struggle and strive to fit into the molds that society has indirectly but all but inevitably forcibly coaxed them into in their noble quest of self-betterment. Have you ever heard the expression people are sheep? Baa... Wonder where that came from... Hmm... You could say that precedent, canons and stereotypes are equally crucial cogs in the foundation of the great machines of concept. True... but only insofar as the populations belief in them reaches. A stereotype only influences those who accept it as the truth. Its arms are only as long as those of his believers. Ultimately there is no genuine essence to any concept. They are literally what we believe them to be. They are only what we say they are. In the end everyone has a different understanding of the truth. I guess that’s why religion is so tantalizingly enticing. It provides clear-cut answers to life’s mysteries. Regrettably now even the purity of religion is muddled. Especially among the religions of the book. Irony is in the fact that books are nothing more than a collection of pages and the written page is often considered to be the proverbial black and white. Who would've thought that such violent rivalry would ensue between the followers of the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob? Who would've thought that they would zealously massacre each other for centuries without end? Undeniably there are great chasms between the beliefs, but when you take a look at their origin... Nvm... I don't think I should go there. ;)

Flip the coin and see its sides,

On heads you see magnanimity; on tails you'll see cowardice.

On heads you'll view love, on tails; lust

On heads the coin is black; on tails the coin is white.

In between is the vast plateau where the grass is gray and the sky is silver.

Silver

2004-10-20T23:21:00.000+08:00

Just because you're unique, you think you're special.

Are we?

Have you ever thought about it?

Inside everyone of us lurks an instinctive and primordial nature that ensures self-preservation. Subconsciously we are always looking out for ourselves. We are numero uno on our unconscious psyches priority list. It's just another survival mechanisme inherent to, I would say, all living creatures. In order to do this we must put our own safety, our own benefit, and our own general well-being above everyone elses. That kinda mindframe, subconscious or not is bound to have some ramifications. In other words we tend to see ourselves as separate and somehow above the rest. We are simply more important. We are, ah theres that word again, special.

Theres more to it. The more we care about something or someone the more special that someone or something that person appears to be, the more different. It's all tied into how your subconscious mind prioritizes the importance of a person or whatever elses continual endurance is. I guess thats why everyone thinks their girlfriends the best ey? It would also explain why people are willing to matyr for a cause or a great leader. It would explain kamikaze and harakiri. When in your minds eye someone or something is more worthy than you are, more special, it also means it's existence and its general condition in it's entriety is more essential than yours.

What's wrong with me? Where do I come up with all this whacked out ideas? Must be the lack of sleep. ;)

* * *

Lol... What did this guy who spins half-assed theories spend the whole day doing? Sleeping half the of it and an add math class away and then skipping tuition to drink bubble tea and play cards... Ah the life. I hope I don't screw my exams up too badly. It's sokay I may not have labora but I sure have tons on tons on tons of ora, and everyone knows who's ultimately in charge. ;) Cross your fingers and hope, i mean pray that the omniscient, omnipresent and most importantly omnipotent creator of all looks down and takes pity on this poor, poor, good-hearted soul. ;)

G'nite

I want to make money so that it won't matter.

White

2004-10-19T01:10:00.000+08:00

There's so much suffering in the world.

Everyone has their own personal demons, be they physical, mental, or spiritual. Everyone has their issues. Turn on the news, you'll see a sad-eyed reporter on a backdrop of war, poverty, or disaster, voicing his empathy with the victims he hardly, if at all knows. At home we watch, barely seeing, shielded by the tv's glass pane and hundreds of miles, our hearts don't even seem to flutter, it's all happened before, we've seen alot worse. How did this happen? How is it that we are immune to pain? At least other peoples pain. When it comes to our own problems, however petty they might be, we expect the world to screech to a halt and take notice. Our pain is always deeper, our love loftier, our innocence purer. I read something in that gist from somewhere, can't put my finger on it. But I think whoever said that was pretty smart. Then again, maybe he was just human and influenced by the same emotions that rage within and encompass us all.

It is a world ruled by desperate melancholy, or so we are led to believe. Some how everywhere i look everywhere I go theres someone, something that seems to be somehow reaching into my being and telling me that the world is a lonely and uncaring place, desolate and devoid of hope.

I just can't believe that thats how this world; the world that bore and sustains such an amazing potpourri of life and variety really is. This world that as far as we know seems to be the only on in our vast galaxy capable of producing intelligent life or even life in general.

So is it really such a great ball of @#$%^&?

Why is it that there is so much joy in the world that never gets anyones attention? Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that we should ignore the plagues of life. What I'm saying is there are two, or rather mutiple sides to the coin of life; we should appreciate every aspect of it. At each different angle a whole new view of life reveals itself. Why not live life as it is instead of wallowing in self-righteous indignity at the verisimilitude of unending sorrow that is simply its frame?

I guess its easier to be sad, it easier to be angry, its easier to hate.

I want to cherish life, cherish all its flaws and all it lacks, because i know it gives us so much more than it can ever take away.

I believe that everything that happens to us happens for a reason. To teach us, to guide us, to prepare us for what we are meant to do. When we break our arm, we will know what a priviledge it is to have it, when it heals. The same goes with our hearts.

I love my life, even if at times it tries to convince me to feel otherwise.

Tiny sparks of positivity, burn pyres to send the darkest shade in flight.

The Boy

2004-10-18T02:43:00.000+08:00

The boy stood crying in the street,
Empty stomach and bare feet,
Passer-bys turn jaded eyes,
Hurry on home to family sweet,

The boy sat crying in the rain,
No samaritan, No mother, Only pain,
As tears run down his bony cheeks,
He braved a smile in misery's face,

The boy lay weeping in the cold,
Frozen droplets on frosty snow,
He lay near sleep, his breathing slowed,
A whimper spilt from lips unknown,

The boy,
So Still,
Stretched in the street,

His eyes,
So bright,
Now closed,
In sleep,

He dreamt of warmth and loving arms,
He dreamt of smiles, He laughed out loud,
He dreamt of pie and piles of sweets,
He dreamt he was at fathers feet,

And then the dream came to an end,
And again, he was, his nightmare's claim,

The boy stood crying in the street,
Empty stomach and bare feet.

Yew Li™

The Lights Are Red

2004-10-17T20:22:00.000+08:00

hMmm

Writers Block.

Screw it.

I'm too lazy to think.

G'nite. ;)

Still no stars...

The Waltz

2004-10-16T23:50:00.000+08:00

LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL

I was just at this wedding dinner just now and... LMAO I can't stop laughing. I can't help myself.

Like all my relatives, my aunties, my grandaunts my granpa, and me lil cousins were all dancing and breaking it down to a DJ!!! Looks like my family can parteh!!! Of course the DJ was playing 80s music, and most of the people there were 2nd cousins and others were hardly or not at all related to me. ;) Petty unimportant details like that should never get in the way of a good story. Humble truth can rarely rub shoulders with the likes of lofty legend and awesome myth or even the presumptious table tale; such as this one. ;)

Its rare for me to have fun at wedding dinners and dinners of people I don't really know (If its someone I know well its a whole diff story.) in general, unless i have intriguing company or... yea unless i have someone interesting to talk to, i generally spend my time wishing I stayed at home. I think its a result of how the adults were when I tried to talk to them when I was little. I used to talk to the uncles and aunties sitting at the table, but most of the time they would talk with a flippant indifference, strained tolerance or worse pained condescendance evident on their faces. Talk about petty grudges eh? ;) There were a few aunts and uncles i enjoyed talking to, but most of the time.... Forget it.

Today was different!

At first it was just your regular wedding dinner, y'know fancy ballroom, reception at the door, tons of friends and relatives. I was seated far at the side... I mean faaar at the side. I really wasn't even invited, just went cause my aunt couldn't and i was there in her place. Usually I would never go to dinners like this one if it wasn't someone I knew personally and reasonably well at that. I hate being shuffled to the side. I mean why come if thats all they think of you? I don't think they'd have noticed if i hadn't shown up. What am I talking about, of course they wouldn't I was invited! Wowzas I'm slow. I know it isn't fair on my part, but hey, don't invite someone unless they actually mean something to you. Insincere sincerity is unbecoming.

Oh... whoops I was supposed to tell you why I had fun... LoL sure doesn't sound like it from the way I'm nagging. I get it from my mum. Wow she's like the all-time featherweight champ of the woooooorld. Both TNN (Total Non-Stop Nagging) and WNE (World Nagging Entertainment). I train only under the best of the best. Like they say. If you want to do something bad, do it good. I am the next big thing. ;)

mMmm

Anyhow...

The wedding was okay. The slideshow was somehow homey and elegantly presented yet it lacked comprehensivity, not like it really matter to moi or that it wasn't good. Just not the way I would have done it if it were mine. But then, one mans meat...

Okay enough time-wasting to the good part. I had been out of the ballroom cause I had walked Old Man Lee to the lift, since he's bit shaky even since he's prides grudgingly acquiesced to his kids, who themselves are decades older than me, incessant proddings to acquire a walking stick. When I walked back in I was jawslacked and more than momentarily stunned to see my (lets be politically correct) older relatives shaking their booty all over the dance floor. Albeit their take on breakdancing is conderably more sedate than what I am used to, but let me tell you, seeing your granduncle bouncing his hips off your grandaunt through flashing lights and smokescreens gives you a whole new outllook on life. ;) Maybe growing olde isn't so bad after all. Just make sure you immortal souls knows its nature when you body starts to tire. Gawd It was fun. I even danced with and aunt or two, a grandaunt and two lil 2nd cousins thrown in 4 the fun of it. ;) Its one of the greatest times I've had with 60, 70 and 80 year olds yet. You'd be surprised, I bet they could teach anyone a move or two on the floor. ;)

Break it down now! ;)

G'nite.

What do you want to be? 17 year olds are often posed this question. My answer? I want to be happy. ;) Cheers

Pleasure & Pain

2004-10-15T23:31:00.000+08:00

Its been said that anything, any person, any concept, is only truly defined by its complete and direct opposite. What is light without darkness? How would you know goodness if u've never glimpsed evil? That sorta thing. It makes sense. Like if everything were one colour they would be no need for individual names. The word colour probably wouldn't even exist. It's only when the whole spectrum comes to play does the need for specific names to differentiate and classify varying colours emerge. Only then are there colours that are 'better' and 'worse' than the rest. I guess you could say that about people too huh? Everyone is judged by and weighed against the actions of his peers and his predecessors. What kind of person you are; how good a person, how successful, how outrageous, everything is totally relative to and dependant upon circumstance and the situation surrounding you. Of course its valid to say that thats just what others perceive of you. Who you are inside is what matters. Still when your feeding maggots six feet under all that will remain of you is the memories carried by all the souls you have touched in your life time and what they perceived of you. Disempowering huh? ;) Thats life for you. Still thats just what i think.

Anyway.... Back to what I should be writin about.

;) Sorry if I bored you. But then, if I did you wouldn't be reading anymore, so this apology would be pointless.

Ahhh, a paradox.

The contrary symbiosis I experienced however was much more mundane. Simply put it was both pleasure and pain. ;) Now I know what u're thinking, but thats not it, u sick lil @#$%^ ;) Jk Jk... Sorry, but I'm a lil vulgar at times, comes from the school I'm in.

I seem to be growing old at the wrinkled age of 17!!! Its amazing how much pain your body can send racking through u from a little back ache. Of course I was jumping around playing basketball at the same time for oh about 6 hours? On and off of course. ;) Maybe I'm just a wuss. Thats probably it. Couldn't dunk all the sense outta myself at the primary school court though cause of it, that = not good, not good at all. Yes I know dunking on a 8 foot ring is pathetic. Thats me; a guy who enjoys the rain, using overly complex words, and dunking on a ring meant for 12 year olds. ;) I rock don't I? Whoo hoo I wouldn't trade myself 4 anyone else. Except maybe.....,

mMmmm

Tired and happy, I'm glad endorphins exist, they've helped me out more than i could've imagined. Exercise soothes the soul. ;) That should be a quote huh?

Oh yea, speaking of quotes take this one,

'Write something down, put a famous name behind it, and everyone will believe its written in stone,' Sir Izzec Newton.

Gnite, I can't stand me poor hurting back no more. I think its the... ... ... crap whats the name of that bone again. forget it. Gnite, godbless.

Sadly, no diamonds in the sky tonight.

Unrequited love has the moon for the sky, The moons subtle soothing luminity could never match the brillance of the suns rays, Such is life, always ;)

Drizzle

2004-10-14T23:35:00.000+08:00

Just a drizzle, of falling rain,
Just a drop, in flooded plains,
Grains to dunes on desert seas,
Diamonds, stars, the sun rises east,

Notes sound on composers score,
Symphony, Tapestry, Remedy,
More...

Yew Li™

;)

mMmm...

Tick tock,

Time never stands still does it?

I hope I don't find myself old and toothless, asking for my grandkids, my false teeth, and where the @#$% my whole life went.

Life may suck at times, but its all we have.

I'm thankful for all the times I've had. All the friends I've found and lost. I'm even grateful for the rain.

There nothing quite like playing in the rain. When I was little I used to love dancing about in the warm chill of the falling raindrops, spinning aimlessly and timelessly, simply letting it flow down my face and waiting patiently for it to envelope me completely. It was... out of this world. Didn't matter that I usually ended up in bed wrapped up in a bundle of blankets and comforters with a cold, sterile termometer jutting outta my mouth. Of course my parents were never as enthusiastic about my rain-filled adventures, but even facing their stern... displeasure wouldn't discourage me. And I knew that somewhere, real deep down, they cared about me so they could never stay mad at me. Wow, I guess I take advantage of the paternal and maternal bond every parent has with their children, ah, we all need our vices ;)

Playing ball in the rain is a pretty out of this world event too. This includes myself, a ball and a hoop. Optional nutso friend/s sold separately. Of course the more people are involved and the crazier the aforementioned people are the higher the degree of unleashed insanity . ;) Have you ever seen 6-footers landing solidly on their @%%s? Or a guard try to dribble through puddles of water? Or anybody try to shoot or handle a rainslicked ball? Trust me; it ain't pretty. But its sure good for laughs. The best is free for all basketball in the rain. I'm fairly certain that that could be the closest man will ever get to the very essence of mayhem. Of course there have been and will be times when there is more erratic and unpredictable behaviour abounding in the world, for example, the big bang, the time before the big bang, the rapture, Barney shows etc.

I like almost anything better in the rain. Tell me u don't sleep better when its pouring outside?

Acid rain sucks though. Bloody chemical laced water can't even hide the sun. I mean whats the fun of being soaked by sulphur trioxides and being hit by ultra-violet light. And yes I have been studying... ;) Now aren't u proud of me? mMmm Are there really sulphur trioxides in acid rain? I just thought that the word sounded nice. ;) I know that their the product of... nvm...

Time to catch a few zzzzZzzzZzzZzZZzzzzz

Every Cloud...

2004-10-13T23:16:00.000+08:00

"Alone sat the mountain and I, Until only the mountain remained," Li Po.

Screwed....

Remember those weird ass moods I wrote about earlier...?

I think I'm gonna go play ball for awhile.

Cry to the clouds, Where is my silver lining?

Yellow Gold

2004-10-12T22:30:00.000+08:00

In the town, where I was born, Lived a man who sailed to sea,
And.... daa da da, da daa da da, um da da da da... submarine,
We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine,
We all live in a yellow submarine,

DREAM IMPOSSIBLE DREAMS,
AND ONE DAY THEY WILL COME TO BE,

LMAO...

Don't know whats gotten into me. I've always loved that song though. Even if it is a lil weird. LOL.. Yes I know some people find that song disturbing. Still love it, no that I know all the words or anything, but its a kinky tune to hum.

I'm totally in love with music... Who isnt? I can't explain it... Can anybody? Maybe it's just the freedom of expression thats so infatuating. Music gives us an outlet where we can 'say' how we feel without fear of judgement. As long as it sounds good of course. But then I guess thats what makes popular songs gain even more popularity.

'Music is expression of self,' Marshall M.

I've heard people preaching that songs that revolve around suicide precipitates it. I say they provide a vent of escape for those very emotions. I can't say for sure, because honestly I have never seriously contemplated on taking my own life. Wondered? Yea, maybe. Considered? No... Not seriously. Anyway, in my opinion, parents whose kids have committed suicide should stop pointing at the splinter in the heavy metal rockers eyes and take a look at the log in their own. They should be thanking the bloody singer for writing that song. They should've noticed their kid listening to the song before the kid committed the irrevocable act, not hate it after... I mean, whats the point? What can you do then? Just sad that some parents don't pay enough attention to their kids. Well,like they say, it's easy to talk the talk, but... yea... We'll see how I do in de future. ;) My kids are gonna kick ass

Black

2004-10-11T19:52:00.000+08:00

I was performing the mundane (but moderately gross) task of stripping chicken off bone for these lil puppies I have who don't seem to want anything else, when I suddenly began wondering; were they ever really those witches you read about, the stunningly, gagaingly, seductive enchantress' who show up in a plethora of myths and novels? Were they just romanticized hags who stirred newts eyes and bulls testicles in a huge black cauldron? Or were they simply women of such trancendental beauty and magnetism thet people finally decided that they had to have some kind of supernatural force residing within them? I suspect that the latter holds more truth. I mean, everyone, anyone, loves to push blame anywhere but at themselves. At that time, when witch hunting was at fever pitch, men were predominant. They made the rules, wrote history, wove legend. Of course you could say 'old wives' were the conduits of folktales but where did they hear the stories from? They probably made some up, but I think most of their tales were probably propounded from gossip and hearsay, which in turn came from country intrigue. And whos version of the story more often comes on top when a scandal occurs? The dominant genders; which at that time of course was the men. So, the men are in charge. Lets just take a moment and savour that. Wait, maybe thats not such a good thing after all, at least not in this case. It's been said that men have uncontrollable urges. I personally don't think they're uncontrollable, compelling, extremely, but no, not uncontrollable. But then that was a different time, and if you lost... control you could always accuse the woman of bewitching you. So maybe black magic in that sense does exist. Carnal attraction so visceral, so primally instinctive, so out of character, that it could only be the fruit of foul magick.

Black magic... Some people just can't help it, They attract people no matter what they do. More often, they enjoy it, and the attention it affords them. Its only human. Who doesn't want to bask in the warmth of the spotlight once in a while. Who doesn't crave affirmation? Who doesn't appreciate validation? No man is an island and it's the sad truth that few men truly find god and the solace he brings.

Just spinning thoughts in my mind. ;)

So slow, So silent, Such siren's sigh,
So deadly, Such poison, From hope derived.

The Shallow End

2004-10-10T22:04:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm wading in the shallow end of a pool. I know there so much more out there, just patiently waiting for me to dive in. I had revelled in the shallow end, I had loved every bit of it. Then, in a moments breadth everything changed. I felt abruptly alone. Suddenly I seemed to enjoy things no one else did, I laughed at things no one else thought was funny, I thought that all the important things my friends talked about were trivial and no one really cared bout anything i thought was earth-shaking. I felt that I was on an entirely different wavelength. I started watching the stars and playin ball in the middle of the night, for no other reason than to be by myself and... ponder? I was blissfully self-adsorbed and sure that the world was a wonderfully gloomy place. It was... easier then, brooding was fun, that way I could just blame everything and everyone else for how lousy I felt. ;) Talk about hormones. Well I had my fun playing a tortured soul for quite a bit, then I decided hey, my life aint all that bad, why the @#$% am I acting as if for me the sun doesn't shine? It creeps up on me sometimes. Can't help it. Just another weird eccentricity, idiosyncratic and synonymous with yours truly. But hey, I'm in the shallow end. All I have to do is to be bold enough to take a breath and plunge into the watery depths. I know somewhere out there I'll find what I'm meant to do, who I'm meant to be. Everyone searches for their purpose. ;) I'm just a common soul, with illusions of being unique.

With hope I watch, With hope I plead, Be there a place, For dreamers feet. ;)

Gray

2004-10-09T20:29:00.000+08:00

A weight weighs heavily in the dark,
The solemn loneliness of eyes wide shut,
Journey ended, but yet begun,
Dreams fulfilled, fallen apart,
Close the eyes that tried so hard,
For which,
For what,
It seemed for not,
Dream that when u try enough,
The heavens would open,
Hells gates would shut,
* * *
A dream is but a wistful wish,
Weak ideals,
From ignorance,
Bliss,
* * *
So slow,
So silent,
Such sirens sigh,
So deadly,
Such poison,
From hope derived,
A dreamers destiny?
A dreamers bind?
To see in darkness,
A vein of light,
To be continued…