Umbra

mMmm...

I do think too much. And most of the time, I'm too possessed of the chthonian and tenebrous. LoLs... I'm supposed to be mellowing down me language. Relieving it of the gewgaws and frippery that ornament it so ostentatiously... Lmao... So sorry I can't help meself. Me blog is the only place where I can write whatever I want whenever I feel like it. Thats the whole beauty of it. Let you in on a lil secret too. I try ta fit in all the words I can think of, that I hardly ever have the chance to use elsewhere, in me blog so that I remember them.

I love blogging. It lets me vent all the stuff i think bout.

I'm a kinda weird introverted person at times. LoLs . How many people do you know just sit and watch the waves by themselves? Or play basketball then gaze at the stars? Weird no? Thats just me.

Blogs are extentions and and as Arthur Van Manfred says, expressions of ourselves. LoL.. So I guess that means this is who I am. The geek within.

But then I've always been a nerd. Take a look at me primary school photos. There wasn't a bigger geek alive. Still the same person, just not wearing glasses no more.

mMmm...

When I look back at my life, they've been so many memories. And surprisingly for someone of my decidedly morbid character I find that I smile when I think of most of them. LoL, o'course there are times when I wished I could just turn the clock back and do something another way, but, y'know...

"Regrets, I have a few. But, then again, too few to mention," Frank Sinatra

What is my deepest, most Bunyanesque regret in my short 17 years? ;) It's all too obvious. I always thought that I would, y'know... have... I don't know? Someone special? mMmm... Maybe it's just too much tv and too many novels. I mean, everyone looks at themselves as the main character in their own personal unfolding tale that is each of our individual lives. I guess I couldn't help but be nudged and influenced by all the plotlines from all the various stories I've had the pleasure to be audience to. From anecdotes to epics, almost every main character has an opposite. Every author and producer it seems has reached unspoken yet unconcertingly unanimous consensus that someone can only be truly complete when... Sometimes it suksh to read and watch the telly, it fills the mush between you ears with fanciful exaggerations and notions that value around that of wet cotton. I'm such a fag sometimes. I blame it on hormones. Screw them.

Anyway, most of my life I am proud of. I've lost count of how many times I've said this but, I've always done what I thought was best, though I am not free of err. I have tried, best I can, not to take the easy way out, but to do what I feel like I should. That's gotta count for something right?

Like I said before, there are only shades of gray and you can only do your best.

But then, also be prepared not to receive what you have given. Sometimes, no, most of the times, you will never get what you expect. I'm not saying that I'm a long-suffering practitioner of gallantry. I'm just saying this is how I believe the world reacts to it. Furthemore I believe this how sincerity first came to being. Not from some romanticized idea of chivalry or unselfishness. I believe sincerity, at least initially was simply a... warning, a disclaimer of some sort. Like, okay okay, my favourite moral of the story genre story, 'Honesty Is The Best Policy', ( it's my favourite simply because it contradicts itself,). Anyway, the moral is... oh wait it's the title, so yea. It's glaringly self-evident. They story tells of a young boy who finds a wallet and with no ulterior motive fueling him, promptly returns it to it's rightful owner. His integrity is rewarded. The story then goes on to the moral, and adds the requirement of sincerity, that we should expect nothing in return except for our own contentment at our nobility. So we should expect nothing, yet the boy in the story gets a reward? HUH? What are they trying to do mix a 5-year old up?!?! If they really wanted them to expect nothing, they should've given the boy in the story nothing too.

Sincerity; what it really means is that we should expect nothing from our actions, however noble or magnanimous we think them to be. People around you might not view them in the same light. Maybe the actions that we think are unselfish and generous are viewed as self-righteous and presumptious? And who's to say they're not right? That, along with the fact that even if our actions are as altruistic as they seem to us, we might garner in fact no reparation whatsoever. If the boy were real, most likely he would get a thank you or a pat on the head, no more. And this is for an obvious act of benignity! How less rewarded are the subtle acts of good will? I'm not saying that good does not beget good. I'm just saying that it's not that straightforward. Not that intantaneous. Not that... common? I'm just saying that the chances are against it.

Sincerity. By taking this value to heart, you protect yourself. It is truly a precept of the purest order, but it also doubles as a defense. Expect nothing, so that you will not be hurt when you receive nothing.

No wonder the medieval knights of antiquity were said to be armed with gallantry, served by chivalry, and armoured by sincerity.

LoL, I just made that up. Sounds neat though no?

But then again, those knights were around the time of the dark ages, when truly grisly and ungodly acts were commited. I don't think they were all as pure-hearted as they are made up to be. A stained white cloth will look amazingly clean when put on afore material of Cimmerian make.

G'nite