Ah...
Do I really want to blog this?
I don't know.
I'm self-centered. I'm conceited. I'm even self-righteous at times.
But just recently... I made myself a hypocrite.
I hate flings.
But I've had three...
Did I already say I hate flings? Well I hate flings.
Wow... I'm really going through with this post eyh? I have my reasons... Besides a lil exhibitionisme never hurt anyone am i right? Ok you freaks who are readin my blog here we go. ;) I'm gonna leave out names and certain details aye?
The first one... The first one I feel the worst about... The girl really did seem to like me. Well its not like she really knew me. I didnt even know how to spell her full name; yea... I'm baaaad to the bone. But she was sweet and caring. Not to mention she made all the moves. I just kinda drifted with her. Doesn't seem like me... but, I'm not making any excuses. I was just in a really, really bad place. And of course there is the much heard off I was getting over someone else. Yea, cliche rebound girl. Yea... I feel bad. Still doesn't justify it though i know... The good news for my soul is that once I realised what I was doing... I broke up with her... It just... felt too wrong. It isn't like me to use someone just to make myself feel better. Especially when... well I guess I still had nvm... Anyway... I tried best I could to be gentle with her, but the damage was done. I sat at the mirror and looked at myself. I think I broke a mirror that day.
Ooh... 7 years of bad luck eh?
The second was much more recent. I actually thought I felt something there... for awhile. It made me forget all the meaningless black moods I had. She's still a good friend. It barely last 2 weeks. Still we both knew it wouldn't last.
The third. Ah... the third was hilarious. She knew it was a fling, I knew it was a fling. Did I mention I hate flings? But it happened anyway. She flew back home after a few weeks. Shes fun though, and I might go visit her sometime, just as friends.
My three meaningless flings.
Sometimes I'd like to bang my head over with a stoopid paddle. Y'know, itd yell insults over and over as u bashed urself in the head, insults like; homeless people laugh at you and stuff like that.
Why am I admitting all this?
Cause I want to be understood I guess. Who doesn't want validation now and then?
I used to hate players. I guess I still kinda do, but I at least can understand them a little more now. There's just something about relationships without emotional attachment thats just so.... secure... so safe...
Its what I needed I guess... I really, really don't know...
Still all the while I couldn't ferget what it was like... before.
My first and only real relationship... well it was with my confidante and my only one at that. I just didn't talk to anyone else. Not really. With her I was just so comfortable. I could say, tell her anything and it'd be okay, she'd understand; it'd be cool. She'd even laugh at my lame ass jokes and make me feel witty. I'd smile when my phone buzzed with a message from her; it was embarrasing really cause I couldn't help myself. I used to close my eyes when i called her on the phone so that I could just focus my entiriety to the nuances of the very sound of her voice. But that was the least of it. When we were together... it was magical. Every little thing she did made me happy. From the way her lips twist when she smiles, to the way she'd spin around to face me, to the way she'd laugh and the really blur look she'd get sometimes when she was caught by surprise or trying to figure something out, to the way she wouldn't let he hold her at first when she said she was sweaty and smelled when she really didn't, to the way she used to surreptiously fling popcorn at people in the movies, to the way she way afraid of ghosts in trees by the beach, to the way her hand in mine made me feel so alive, to the way she'd play the piano when she praticed while still on the phone, to the way she stayed on the line when a crazy chick called me in the middle of the night, to the way she always told me that I made her feel better everytime she came to me with something that was bothering her, to the way she'd take away my worries just by listening and understanding, to the way she fit perfectly into the crook of me arms, to the way she could make me melt just by saying three words, to the way we'd make each other repeat those words over the phone.
Yea she was special, I wish I were special.
Ah cute no? Just a lil.
Yea... It must've been love. But I guess its over now.
That was two years ago and I still don't know why she ended things the way she did. I remember sitting on a swing at a playground in the dead of the night. Just sitting... Hating every moment of everything. Then a felt an icy drop land on my cheek. It began to rain....
'Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me...' Freddie Mercury
Another gray scene.
Well. I'd never say I felt sorry about going through with it. I'm only sorry that it made her cry to see me after that. I could never figure it out. Why would it hurt her so much if she wanted to end things? I figured yknow she just wanted me to forget her.
After a bit, I decided you know what
'...So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye.
So you think you can love me and leave me to die.
Oh, baby, Can't do this to me, baby,
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.
Nothing really matters, Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters to me.
Anyway the wind blows.'
From Bohemian Rhapsody,
Queen.
After all. It was me and nothing mattered to me. It'd just roll off after a bit.
II then promptly got about trying to ferget her. Thats how my first fling came about. Not that it's an excuse or anything. I guess I'm just not as strong a person as I should be. Understand I had no one to go to. She had always been the one who would take my worries away. I didn't need anyone else. Too bad for me I guess. ;)
But it was sokay, I was me and I was always okay. I
I guess I underestimated just how....
Yknow. This s'all I'm gonna say.
Wowzas this was a really personal post.
Gnite.
11 comments:
u sure.. just 3? lol.
-cinderella-
Yea huh.
And it was 3 too many
You seem to be holding onto the past a lot..
yes, it was the first and nothing could ever change all those times you both had, the moments that just felt so right….
It’s just so hard..no one ever said it was easy..
but, it’s time to let go…
Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting her. Letting go doesn’t mean she and whatever memories you both had have to be completely zoned out from your system. Letting go is facing your feelings; the love, the pain, the anguish of everything that has happened. It’s allowing those feelings to consume you completely and allowing yourself to grieve buckets of tears or shout with all you’ve got ..it’s being able to, (after all the crying and shouting), create a special place in your heart for that person, knowing that you’ve loved and been loved..how else would you know that you’ve loved if you never lost anything?
Flings are never really good. Sometimes, they are just…convenient. You feel secure in them coz you know that you can just jump off the boat anytime. There’s no long-term commitment involved; commitment that makes you love and trust someone so much with yourself that you feel you’ve lost a huge chunk of yourself when the relationship, for some reason or another, go down the drain; as though there’s a big gaping black hole in your heart that just won't go away; that just can't be "filled"; that just won't stop aching from the core…
at times we can’t see why it all had to happen..why did she leave? Was it something I did? Is it because of who I am?? Why? Why?? Sometimes we just don’t see it..not until we’ve learn to let go and move on…
do you want to find love again? If yes, stop dwelling in the past. Stop comparing others with her. No one will ever be like her coz there’s only one of her. Everyone’s unique, everyone has their good and bad. It’s all about seeing them for who they are and not trying to see her in them. Comparing only makes things worse. Think about. Do u like it when your mom keeps comparing you with her friend’s son who seem to have glowing medals in every field under the sun?
No matter how infatuated or in love you were with your first, she left you without a strong reason. Is that love?? Just know that you are not alone..so many people out there go thru losing someone, just like you..you’re a nice guy, and god knows you deserve better. But if you go ahead and dig your own grave, without you knowing it, you would have hurt people who really love and care for you. Not only that, you’ll hurt youself too…
you’ll never know what the future holds for you..don’t let one incident scar you for life..maybe in a few years time you would be reading this and laughing at yourself..
To live with someone whom you is SUCCESS,
To live with someone whom loves you is LIFE,
So, live life and love yourself.
Cheers.
[i missed out a word in the last one...so am posting the thingaling again]
To live with someone whom you love is SUCCESS,
To live with someone whom loves you is LIFE,
So, live life and love yourself.
hurry up! write something new! argh..
-cinderella-
hey, i went to watch that.. Legend of the Red Curse u helped out in. got a free tic. kinda proud of ya since ur name did actually appear in the list of casts. sucky movie, but still it's an achievement u've made being part of the first s'wakian made horror film. lol.. u're amazing. know that?
-cinderella-
btw, u did sing ur background song ey. plus, what's a booM producer? just 2 questions.
-cinders-
To the fifth poster. I really appreciate how much thought u put into your comment. I just can't help myself sometimes. ;) The worst thing is ur probably right. It probably was a lopsided thing. Thats what I hate to admit to myself. Even though it's probably the truth. I guess I'll never know.
Nice guy... not so much anymore. More a normal guy. Thanks so much for your thoughts. Hopefully i can have both life and success but you can't have your cake and eat it at the same time can ya? Thats just not how life it. Well wish me luck in trying anyway.
To cinders. Wow . Thank you for being so loyal. I hardly deserve it. I'm lazy. I'm uncouth and at Times i'm a slo. Hardly amazing material. But thanks for the compliment, it flatters. Thats always good ;) No I didn;t sing my background song. It's actually kind of a popular song, or was. It's creep by radiohead. Boom producers just the guy in charge of the boom microphone. In other words im the crew monkey whos responsible for holding up the mike in position. It was fun though.
;) Hopefully my post get happier. Don't hold ur breath though. ;)
Cheers
your thoughts amazes me ur feelings cringes me. flings. security.love. lust. trust. a compilation recipe that links from one to another merely to quench our desires. human desires that it. ever wondered how many hundreds of people experience similar scenarios? thousands. no millions. i agree with the 5th poster. let go. when u live in the past u get sucked into it. then again. judging by what i think, im guessing u already know. i wana talk more about this. head over to ur most recent post. i'll continue there.
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