Tribute

I talked a little to my brother today.

I hardly see him. Haven't seen him for a year i think. And even then he was back for only four days. Most of the time he was out. LoL. Someone used to tell me I had a busy social schedule. Well, she hasn't met my brother. He did get me a pair of VC IIIs when he was back though. They were fantastic shoes. And a ball too.

Anyway... Truth is, I guess I've almost forgotten what it was like to have a brother.

Then i think back when we were both lil kids. For the peeps who know me. Yknow that scar I have on my forehead? Yea... he gave me that. We were at the playground. With the swings and all. I was giving the family dawg a hard time. Chasing it everywhere my two feet could carry me. I kept my eyes so focused on her that I didn't see where she was going. Yea. I hit my brothers swing seat. My mums heart must've stopped for a moment. She told me how she got the peeps playing basketball to help her carry me to the car. I don't remember. I opened my eyes to a hazy view of needles, strings and the family doctor; who we never had to pay. Dr.Tang was nice enough guy i suppose, I will always have the vision of him telling me to drink more 'plang' water. It was good for me he would say. He usually spoke hokkien. Just before I'd leave he'd slip me some chewable vitamins. They were sweet so I kinda liked them. For being a good boy he'd say. Ha haa... yea a good boy. Thats me.

When my brother was a lil older probably 11 or 12 he used to bike around a lot, sometimes with his best friend eugene i think. Or at least thats how it seemed to me. As often as not he'd take me along too. I'd sit on the chassis of the bike, balancing precariously at first, but as the rides grew more frequent I got the hang of it. It was fun. He'd cycle fast and the wind would blow past our faces. I think I was happy. I fell off once. I remember him telling me to look at the reflection of my face in the car mirror, but I kept looking at the window. I kept telling him the light wasn't right and i could see how I looked. I remember sneaking back home, tiptoing past my ever vigilant mum and pretending to have a fall in the bathroom. I recall despising the fact that I was gonna be made to look like I was idiot enough to fall down while in the shower. But well, I didn't want anyone to get in trouble.

I remember the many many times he would take out the gazillion action figures we had and bring them to life for me. He had all kinds of clever plots and twisted endings. His play was always much better than mine. Ah... of course I eventually figured out that his original storylines were uncannily similiar to episodes of transformers and thundercats and what not. Still he did the best voices. And all I had to do was sit and watch. Occasionally he would bring home a new toy. Ostensibly for me, but I think he enjoyed them a bit himself. As time passed by however, his action figure drama theater slowly faded away. He didn't have time for it anymore.

Thats when it all changed.

Sure i didn't happen all at once. I even have some of the best memories from the time. That was when he introduced me to the world of final fantasy. It was the best game ever he said. Sit and we'd play. Great! He'd play and I'd watch following the web of plots as if it were some great piece of poetry. And to me it was. The soundtracks were amazing. The character fully fleshed out. All too human with their flaws and weaknesses. It was also when he also brought me into the world of contemperary fantasy. I remember the first real fantasy novel I read. It was one from the death gate cycle, by margeret weis and tracy hickman. Something like that. I hardly understood it when I read it the first time. But my brother had told me what an amazing story it was. I read it again. For one of the few times in my life I pulled out a dictionary. I learnt what the word hapless meant. Doomed I think. A few other words too. I still read almost exclusively fantasy to this day. Theres just something in those worlds that call to me. But it was my brother that put me on that path.

I remember my brother being the person who was always patient with me. if he got a lil pissed oh well he'd just whip out a wrestling move of stuff me in between the mattresses where he and sister could tickle me without the inconvenience of my arms getting in the way. Thats why it was so disturbing when it happened.

He was watching TV, when i came into my parents room. I was doing what little brothers do best, being a pest. I kept jumping around talking to him asking bout god knows what. And he just... he hit me. He hit me so that my glasses flew across the room. It wasn't hard. Not physically at least, but... he'd never ever done that before. Then he glared at me. I walked back to our room. I didnt pick up my glasses. It hurt me. That much I remember.

I can't remember if it was before that or after that incident, but i remember him waking me up and bringing me to a coffee shop nearby late one night. He ordered tomato noodles for me. I didn't really like tomato noodles but whatever, I wasn't fussy bout food. Then he took out a cigarette... He lit it. And he smoked. I don't know what it was. The unceasing propaganda from the government telling me how much smoking sucks. How my mum told me it would gibe me cancer and kill me if i ever did it. Or reverse peer pressure telling me that smoking was for sheep. BAAA... I pushed away my plate of noodles. I wasn't hungry anymore. It doesn't make sense, but right at that moment I decided I hated smoke and smokers and everything about them. Later in life I amended it to hating smoke not the smoker. Now pretty much everyone I know smokes. I don't hate any of em. Amzing how strong our principles are eyh?

So, we drifted apart. He'd still bring me action figures from time to time. Waiting to see that spark in my eyes that told him more than words how much i appreciated it. He got it at first. But I think he realised when that spark dissappeared. He'd ask if I liked what he got me over and over. I'd say sure. I love it. All I knew was smth was missing. I don't think even I knew at the time that what I really enjoyed were the moments we'd have when he'd do reruns of ripoffs from cartoon series with our figures for me. It wasn't the toys that captivated me. All the while I was growing up too.

I don't know when we stopped being close. We were brothers and always will be. But there was a brief time. A couple of years when I didn't know who he was. It's funny it was that time when he was at his most popular in his school life. I don't really know how popular he really was, he was my older brother it was practically my duty to look up to him. I remember being referred to as Isaacs brother alot. He got into lots of trouble at least to my eyes at the time. He'd get into fights. He had a string of pretty girlfriends. He had friends with full body tattoos. And some other stuff I won't be putting up here. Maybe he watched too much young and dangerous. I dont know.

The closest I ever was to him at that period of time was when I'd wake up in the middle of the night, to hear him composing sappy love songs on his acoustic guitar. Hah to think I remember the words to this day.

Then he left to study. He's never really been home since.

Like I said. I talked to my brother today.

He's my brother. I'm sure of it.

In a world where so many are different, its sanctuary to find one with so much the same; or at least one who understands.

Awh hell this whole post has been overly mushy.

Zack if your readin this. I think we're brothers. Only by blood. Maybe a lil more too.

I just realised that you make up more of me than either of us will ever know. I've always looked up to you. Why? Well because, everything you did made sense to me. The things you talked about that were important to you. They were important to me. You told me more in action than words that friends are important. You taught me that its important to try to do what I think is right rather than what the world tells me is right. You showed me poetry. You showed me dignity when you were at your lowest. Today you told me something different...

To be honest I've been flirting with those thoughts myself. These days, when I'm nice, I'm nice. When it takes effort to be, I'm not anymore. Why? Cause I'm tired of trying. Yea, it ain't worth it and I seem to @#$# things up either way. I guess we'll never figure this world out eh?

I'm all emoed and worded out.

Funny, I never knew how much of my brother stayed with me til i wrote this post.

Wow I guess blogging does have its benefits.

Gnite.